Mekkakat Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Been working on it for about 4 months now, and I'm pretty close to done, but here's the synopsis. Please let me know what you think “Channel 0” (working title) Characters: Rick Songer (main character) Stephanie Kissenger Brandon Grades Support friends A group of friends go to a cabin out in some distant mountains. It’s lavish and nice, but the main character (Rick) is not having a good time because he’s in love with a girl (Stephanie) in the group that is dating one of the other guys (Brandon). While the rest of the group goes skiing, he fakes illness and stays behind. The cabin is a bit of an odd place because their stay was given to them by a family friend. As Rick spends the entire day alone, he begins to explore this huge cabin. Upon investigating the last bedroom on the top floor, he notices immediately that the TV is on, as if left on by the last visitors. Being both curious and bored, he sits in the chair across from it and begins flipping through the channels. “These channels are awful. There’s nothing on.” Rick goes through about 10 channels before realizing that almost every station seemed to be a candid cam of people just walking around. “Is this some sort of joke? Is this rigged up to some sick spy cameras or something??” Rick is both confused and intrigued. He starts blowing through channels, only stopping for a moment if something caught his attention. Some channels started looking like the same people, just doing different activities. “I swear these people are even wearing the same clothes in these clips... Wait... On the last channel, that lady dropped her purse in the mud... now it’s clean again? What is this?” The TV channels make no sense. They don’t seem to end either. “241 channels and counting... “ Rick holds the up button on the remote, flying through channels. “1,322... 1,323... 1,324.... “ Finally, he notices something as he’s scrolling... “whoa whoa whoa, that guy looks lik... wait that’s... that’s me. As Rick frantically starts flipping through the channels seeing himself, he becomes both scared and enraged. “Alright, who’s the sick freak video taping me?!! WHAT?! This video was taken while I was still back home!!! In the shower!!!” As he starts to panic, seeing things he had done earlier that day... but what really puts him in a fit is when re-watches their arrival to the cabin... “That’s from just an hour or so ago! There’s me, Steph, Brand.. wait... I don’t remember dropping my keys trying to open the door.” Rick chokes up as he switches channels and sees the same scenario played out, but with different things happening that never happened to begin with. “Are these... actors?” Rick flicks to a channel that finally is the last straw. Stephanie - “babe, can you grab my things?” Rick - “sure baby, where do you want them?” In this scenario, it seems that Rick and Stephanie are a couple. Confused and mouth agape, Rick is standing as if he were in position to tackle the screen. He hurriedly pulls out his cell phone to find no reception. “I’ve got to get out of here... we’ve got to get out of here. I don’t know what kind of twisted game this is, but this is messed up!” “WHO’S THERE!?” Rick screams at the top of his lungs as if to scare his enemy from cover. “COME OUT YOU FREAK!!”. He looks around the room for a quick moment, looking behind old paintings on the wall and flipping pillows. Nothing. Staggering and falling over his own feet, he runs out of the room, slamming the door behind him. “Rick?? You up there man? Everything ok?” says Brandon. Back from their ski outing, the group is visible over the upstairs banister. “Oh my... oh my God am I glad to see you guys.” pants Rick. “Seriously something is up with this cabin... This whole trip.” Stephanie walks up to the first landing on the steps and looks over at Rick in a snarky way. “Well you know, you could have come out with us skiing too.” She places her hand on her hip, and with a tilt of her head she says “you know, we don’t drive 100 some miles up into the mountains just so my boyfriend can sit on his butt in a dusty old cabin all day.” Rick looks as if he just swallowed a grenade. He slowly looks back at the last bedroom door without saying a word. Synopsis: Rick stumbles on a room that has a TV showing different outcomes in life scenarios. Some are amazing, giving him things he’s always wanted in life, and some are as terrifying as death itself. Upon leaving the room, whatever he watched himself in last will become a reality that he can live. What will Rick do with his newly found reality altering device? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
P4: Gritty Reboot Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Is this the full text or is this just a synopsis as you suggest? The concept is intriguing if not entirely original--with the right implementation it could be fun. If this is the story itself, the writing could use work as far as wording, format, punctuation, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mekkakat Posted December 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Is this the full text or is this just a synopsis as you suggest? The concept is intriguing if not entirely original--with the right implementation it could be fun. If this is the story itself, the writing could use work as far as wording, format, punctuation, etc. It's just a synopsis as stated, and the formatting was crushed by pasting it here. (This isn't condescending) Could you help with what wording you felt was off? Also, do you have some examples of stories similar? I'd like to read/watch them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
P4: Gritty Reboot Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Ah, thought the formatting might have been tweaked somehow. Ok, a few examples: “Is this some sort of joke? Is this rigged up to some sick spy cameras or something??” Is he talking out loud, or just thinking? Most people wouldn't say this stuff out loud if they were alone. I might use italics to indicate thought instead, unless you have established that his character is the sort of person to talk to himself. Also, spy cameras aren't generally "sick" in themselves, so might want to re-phrase it (again, unless the character would say that). “WHO’S THERE!?” Rick screams at the top of his lungs as if to scare his enemy from cover. The phrase "as if to scare his enemy from cover" isn't helpful in that it doesn't help me picture his scream any more accurately. Consider these two phrases: Rick screams at the top of his lungs Rick screams at the top of his lungs as if to scare his enemy from cover. Maybe others can chime in here, but my mental image of his action is exactly the same with each of these phrases. Confused and mouth agape, Rick is standing as if he were in position to tackle the screen. Again, some of these descriptions I find vague or unhelpful: is he standing as though he were going to tackle the screen, or is it almost as if he were going to? It's too tentative and not definitive enough. Also, I find the emotions of confusion and bewilderment to be slightly at odds with his aggression against the television. He's standing there shocked out of his mind, yet he's about to charge the television. The first phrase conveys helplessness whereas the last half of the sentence suggests he's going to take action. A suggested revision would read, "Overcome with a flash of anger, Rick jumps to his feet as if to tackle the television." Rick looks as if he just swallowed a grenade. I like the idea here, but again it's vague: does he have a lump in his stomach? Is he running around screaming because he's going to blow up in two seconds? Ask yourself, "How does someone who just swallowed a grenade look?" and see if it applies here. --- Aside from these, the quotation punctuation could use work (commas instead of dashes preceding quotes, etc.) but these may simply be a result of an unedited synopsis and not part of your final work. As far as other examples, I'd have to dig some up, but the ability to manipulate one's destiny and circumstances is a common theme in literature and film alike (I was not suggesting that this particular implementation of the plot device is worn out). EDIT: One more general note, I feel using a past tense would be more effective than the present tense, but not sure if that's just part of the summary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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