Shaner Vs Six- Slam Jam

[VicariousShaner]

Today me and Six had a rap off. We had decided that Six had won the first round, and I had the second. However, none of us could decide on the winner of the third. Even our very honest Johnny could not make a reasonable decision.

 

I have here the rap, along with the first series. Now it's time to come on and slam.

 

 

ROUND ONE

 

VICARIOUSSHANER:

 

Ok, ok, I see what you're trying

Too cool for school, but it looks like you're crying

So cynical man, that ain't cool

Keep going and you'll end up like K.Rool

Aint got no love, even from your kidneys!

They abandoned you like it was a goddamn mutiny!

Now they're dead, just like your love life

Saying you don't like anyone won't convince me of your strife

You get tests every day, the doctors always say

"Six, man, you need to get a lay"

 

SIXTWOSIXFOUR:

 

Listen up, Shaner, you're talkin' to a sage

The man who remastered the fuckin' Gun Mage

Now set aside your burnin' rap rage

Here's my book, I'll let you read a page

I'm not a writer, I'm a fuckin' wordsmith

I been workin' with bitches who ain't workin' WITH

So don't show me your rap, all lame and stiff

When it comes to rap, your ass comes in FIFTH

Don't hate, don't cry, and don't complain

You're dealin' with a man who's completely insane

I'm as unstoppable as a fuckin' freight train

And from now on, I'm callin' your ass “Jane”

 

(Arm crossing commenced)

 

ROUND TWO

 

VICARIOUSSHANER:

 

Oh shit, a D&D nerd, so fucking scared

Maybe I would be impressed, if I pretended to care

I could read a page if you ever wrote one

Your writing speed is like the turtle's long run!

The only way you could get ahead in rap is if you hit me with a blue shell!

Even if you did, it would be a tough sell

You think a freight train is tough? Well you'll see me now, this "Jane"

Because Six, let's see your train fight against the bane of your existence, the fucking DOOM TRAIN

(fr)AIIIGHT

 

(

)

 

 

SIXTWOSIXFOUR:

 

 

Little boys be steppin' like them words was big

When actually you're fumblin' like it was trig

D&D ain't tough, good thing I got a sword

Now don't push me, cause I might get bored

You think you know rhymes, you think you know skill?

I think you need a visit from Doctor Phil

He'll sort out your problems, cause you have many!

Thinking you can handle my rhymes, skinny?

Retro represent- to that, I'll show some respect

Though I think Ultros was the joke to select

Now try again- it was a pretty decent show

But at the end of the day, you're just. too. slow.

 

ROUND THREE

 

VICARIOUSSHANER:

 

Doom Train not enough to handle you? Then I guess it's my turn.

Prepare for this six, no Alo-vera gon' wash away these burns.

Six, oh Six, where would I start?

Perhaps you sucking so badly at Mario Kart.

But my dear friend, I must tell you Six

I'm not doing this just for kicks.

It is imperitave that I verbally burn you in the major third degree

So bad you can't escape it, even undersea.

Because, little man, one fact you can't escape!

In face, a whole sea of them, ready for you to be agape?

You are...out of shape, looks like an ape, thinks he's cool cuz his character has a cape!

Let's ignore that piece of shit looks like a drape, you really need to eat a goddamn crepe.

Now stand right there while I get this frustration out, even if I may shout

Because all you really amount to is a shitty weaboo, Magical Girl Six, on at two!

 

SIXTWOSIXFOUR:

 

 

Last round, last chance, if you wanna back down

I would understand if you wanna skip town

Cause once again I find myself wearin' a frown

And I find you makin' yourself a clown

I'll blow your ass away like an NES cart

Make you wish you'd never pressed Start

You'll find the taste of defeat is very tart

Damn, I can't resist making a rhyme with fart

In the end, it's a simple concept to understand-

You ain't enough to be a drummer in my band

I step on little bitches like grains of sand

Make them look as stupid as Ayn Rand

I got the full parry, you can't get a hit in

Even challengin' me is a mortal sin

I hope you can picture my cocky grin

As I kick your metaphorical head in

You're halfway through, I'm still ready to rock

Movin' faster than the tick of a clock

Eyes closed all the while like Brock

Have you hidin' behind your mom at my knock

Here's where it gets faster, two line rhymes

Pick things up before the end times

VicariousShaner, what's up with that name?

Couldn't figure out something that wasn't lame?

Had to go with the one your mom gave you

'Cause when it came to makin' one, you hadn't a clue

It's comin' to a close now, I'll make this fast

I'll make sure the pain of loss don't last

That's the kinda class I got and you don't

And it's lookin' like you always won't

You're done. Game over. Go get more quarters.

And look for someone else to give you more orders.

You'll need their help to take me on

But even with it, I'm still the Don

Word.

Edited March 7, 2012 by VicariousShaner

[Luftwaffles]

Was totally hoping that video would be of either of you performing every single word of this.

 

Thoroughly disappointed.

[SixTwoSixFour]

Sporkwaffles comin' in with harsh words for us both

So I tell you what, I'll offer you this oath:

If by tomorrow eve, the page count reaches two

I'll record some white boy rap for you

[BrainHurtBoy...2]

Oh, god, please.

Anyway, Shaner won Round 1, Six Round 2, Six Round 3.

[Luftwaffles]

Anyway, Shaner won Round 1, Six Round 2, Six Round 3.

 

Agreed. Six killed round 3 and was just being modest.

[VicariousShaner]

Shit, seems like I was outplayed.

Not over though, not till Six gets out his Gunblade

I guess if what Six said was true

I will also go on rapping, just cuz I like you.

[SixTwoSixFour]

Looks like I'm off the hook. Here's to small blessings.

[Harri]

Ameridean versus UKdean next? I'd be interested.

Alternatively, I'll do one with shaner I guess if anyone wants to see my get my ass handed by shane.

Edited March 8, 2012 by Harri

[Hot Heart]

I think everyone lost.

 

Just kidding. Six 'got the flow'! AM I COOL NOW?

[VicariousShaner]

All right Harri. I accept your rap offer. Let's get down to business.

 

So, Harri, you have come to duel.

It's time to rock this, old school.

Little Asian boy, you're everyone's bitch!

Your future career's going down in the ditch.

Even though your mother is a tiger

You came out more like a Liger

If one were to say you're just a little bit gay

I'd have to reply "yeah, he's all the way."

Don't you know where you're messin with here?

I've got an average sized cock and nothing to fear.

You've got the dick the size of your brain!

Which is as small as John McCain's!

In speaking of which, sorry about your great leader

unlike you he wasn't much of a feeder

Harri, you're so bad at League

Playing with you gives me major fatigue

You jump into battles but you're too gawky

You get destroyed faster than Nagasaki

But yes, I know you loved Kim Jong Il

Even though he was a bit mentally ill

Reminds me of you, you crazy motherfucker

Still, you're fatter than an obese trucker

I've seen hippo's that are skinnier than you

Although they could put both of you in the exact same zoo.

My first verse is coming to a close

How ya' going to fight against me and my big damn nose?

Edited April 5, 2012 by VicariousShaner

[fuchikoma]

"Here Comes a New Challenger!" I'm here to drop a coin.

I know I wasn't invited but I'm here to make a point.

I'll crash this party just because it seems you're having fun

but it just got real up in here so bitches better run!

 

Yo what's up with all this dissin?

Can't we all just get along?

You guys would even compare pissin

just to measure length of shlongs!

 

You start droppin the "g word" so what the hell you tryin to say?

Even if he's not "no homo" what's it matter if he's gay?

You're sure good at blowin' wind but they say "he who smelt it dealt it..."

So I guess in this case it's your masculinity that felt it!

 

Sorry I just had to start by getting that shit off my chest

This rap should be about gaming but already I digress!

I'm not gonna waste my time - hey I don't waste it, I invest...

So just sit your asses down because I came here to impress!

 

All in all without a beat we're just a bunch of cracker poets;

but at least I'm not deluded cuz in this case I sure know it.

When it comes to startin fires you get smoked cuz you can't roll it

but enough of talking trash - my inclination is to show it.

 

When I was made they wanted more but then I broke the mold

I'll take on any challengers in any Battletoads.

You say you made it to the speeders - I say *yawn* "ok, that's nice"

"But you've never seen the Wingers - or even made it to the ice!"

 

Even Wookie Hole would leave your punk ass with some trauma

Which is surprising since that was our old nickname for yo momma.

You better see a doctor about that full-body burn,

When you get back, here's the mic for you if you dare take your turn!

[SixTwoSixFour]

Muthafuckas, I'm here to lay down the law

It may be true that Shaner's rap was pretty raw

But that don't matter, here's the thorn in my paw

This is a one-on-one duel, a rap quickdraw

 

You wanna comment, cool, you wanna bust some rhymes

I can respect that, not to mention your sick meter and time

Just remember who's the star of the show- our players prime

And that helpin' either one is a goddamn war crime

 

Other than that, sit back and enjoy our play

A rap battle- Harrison and the Vicarious Shay

Three rounds are the rules, it'll take more than a day

And I'm guessing this one's going all the way

Edited April 6, 2012 by SixTwoSixFour

[fuchikoma]

Hey, my bad - I guess my behaviour was getting risky

I saw some gamers rappin and I started getting frisky

I'm eager to throw down (or throw up? Now I'm rappin slime?!)

But for now I'll watch you guys and go to the back of the line.

[Harri]

Alright Shaner, I'm new to this scene,

but better than you, I'm a rapping machine.

Spreading Communist lies, McCarthy Style,

you really gotta go the extra mile.

In reality, your rhymes are just incredibly green.

Now you think I'm obese? There's a mirror on the wall.

I think your chromosomes just dropped the ball.

Face it, the doctor didn't look at your face,

because your looks gave your family disgrace.

If you're a late bloomer, sorry, you missed your call.

I am the very model of a modern major Asian

Hitting the streets of NYC blazing,

Acing every school subject, 90 GPA,

I'm even a member of the god damn PLA.

Better than just an awkward, nerdy, Caucasian.

I'm rich as ShiHuangDi, I'm famous,

you gotta work in a strip club you ignoramus.

And your brain, god damn, don't get me started,

not much to say, other than "retarded."

I think you should go crying back to Uncle Amos.

What's this rumor about my tiny ass dick?

It's the one that gets all the white chicks.

If I'm poor in size then yours is just a joke.

Go get a loan man, you're just downright broke.

So now, you Las Vegas whitey, it's your turn. Prick.

Edited April 6, 2012 by Harri

[Faiblesse Des Sens]

Not enough poly's.

[fuchikoma]

Did someone drop a pin, because I cannot hear a thing...

It's just some PvP in rap; not like you have to sing.

Is the equipment on right now? Can I get a mic check?

Don't tell me Harri rocked too hard and now the system's wrecked?

[SixTwoSixFour]

I'm afraid you've hit the nail on the head

This rap battle is officially fuckin' dead

That last rap left Shaner seein' red

And the thought of another filled him with dread

Too terrified to even leave his bed

His stomach churnin' like it's lined with lead

 

I talked to him myself, he gave up the ghost

Kinda shameful since he was the host

That makes Harri our champ, long live the king

And respect the way his text can sing

Beatin' him's plenty of reason to boast

So come on, modern major Asian, do your thing

 

As for you, Fuchi, you're goddamn intimidatin'

And I'm sure you've had quite enough of this waitin'

So come on, you and me, and I'll let you go first

And we'll see whose verses are the worst

I won't pussy out or delay like a certain Shane

So bring it, robo-tank, I can handle the pain

[fuchikoma]

Did I do that? Well sorry, I don't know my own strength!

I beat the competition's style and even their length.

It's kinda automatic - I kill 'em as they come!

But I smell some new blood in here, like "fee-fi-fo-fum..."

 

I need to rap now like you've awakened a demon

so come get your abuse and then walk away steamin'

I'll cut you into cubes just like in Resident Evil

and then smack that shit around because we're getting MediEvil.

 

You called upon the big bad guy and now you'll pay the price

You played Summoner yesterday, now you're the sacrifice!

The least that I could do for you is maybe something nice...

when we're done rapping I'll be sure to send you home on ice!

 

I'll even etch your tombstone with advanced calligraphy

You'll catch some more respect that way after you mess with me

I'll wash the headstone for you and that service comes for free

as long as you don't mind that the cleaning solution's pee

 

The longer I go on you'll keep diminishing like that

oh hey, did I say "Minish?" yeah you're wearing that cap

I'll cut you down with rap I wrote in ten minutes flat

keep shrinking, yeah I'm thinking you're smaller than I crap!

 

While you're down there why don't you start a game of Sim Ant?

I will not look you in the eye - it's more that I can't:

A kid like you, your vantage point is really too low

Can't even Katamari cuz your style is too slow!

 

Maybe that was a bit too cold - I am a machine...

but when the battle's over y'all will see what I mean:

that elsewhere we're all friends who like to dabble in prattle

but in this cage the blood is shed: I'm here for a battle!

[SixTwoSixFour]

Kid? Muthafucka, do you know who I am?

Do you know who owns this effin' Slam Jam?

You're a guest, show respect, or else blam

You'll find out what happened to the rest of your fam

 

I tried to be polite to you, little robo-tank

But you insisted on being so goddamn swank

Despite the fact that your metaphors were rank

I'm sure your performance fees won't break the bank

 

Are you sure your ass ain't runnin' on bad oil?

Cause your armor sure looks like aluminum foil

Pull it apart like Hazama with the Serpent's Coil

And you better bet I will- my blood's ready to boil

 

You like tombstones? We all need a hobby, son

Though don't expect to bury me, you'd need a Solar Gun

But since you're here, you'll need a eulogy. I have a ton

How bout “He fought the darkness, the darkness won.”

 

The fact of the matter is, you're just the First Wave

And I'll beat you down with an Aerial Rave

You couldn't win this fight with a Slot Save

My realm is more dangerous than the Esper Cave

 

I'm just getting warmed up, so buckle in

And get ready for a trip weirder than Innocent Sin

Clench your teeth, you're taking this one on the chin

And watch your armor collapse like it was tin

 

It comes down to this, I'm simply the best

Gather your party together for a Short Rest

Cause it'll take your Dailies to even test

The limits of my power (and that of my vest)

 

Go get more tokens- change for a five

Not that it'll be enough to survive

This onslaught of style and jive

But this situation is where I thrive

 

A minute of humility- I'm sorry I was late

I had a funeral to attend, out of state

But now I'm here to rise to your bait

Even though your rap is second-rate

 

Quarter-circle forward to an ass kickin'

Half-circle back, time is tickin'

Seven-twenty, spin your ass round and round

Then I slam you straight into the fuckin' ground

Edited April 16, 2012 by SixTwoSixFour

[SomTervo]

Re: Round Three:

 

Shaner's burns are a wee bit keener,

but Six takes it with the sheer quality of rhymage and metre.

[fuchikoma]

"The Darkness" is your new name?

That's generic; kinda lame

"Why did he choose that trademark?"

Maybe you're scared of the dark?

 

You "own this place?" Here's the lien

Repossessed by the machine

V-twin rhythm, timing clean

Toss your ass out - still too green!

 

So my armor's on your mind?

Stalkin me cuz I'm so fine?

"Underdog develops crush"

Thank you oh so very much!

 

Wanna be cool? Be like me

Pulled it off to some degree,

let's see if you follow form

Round 2: I'm just getting warm

 

Round 1 wasn't hard enough

I need some more tricky stuff

Some challenge to get me pumped

You can skip it (if you're stumped!)

 

Seven beats on every line.

(For you suckers keeping time:

add an eighth rest after this;

if you don't then I'll be pissed!)

 

All these sevens in your slot

I think I hit the jackpot.

Here to take the highest spot

Behold the rap hell hath wrought!

 

First you challenged. I received.

You saw this rap, then you grieved.

Cryin', bawlin, gamer please!

You're getting snot on your sleeve.

 

Your bravado doesn't fly

acting tough but it's a lie

beating me would win some clout

but you didn't think this out

 

You stepped up like Frogger would

but that meter wasn't good

Now you're pancaked like roadkill

off to the infernal grill

 

Your street cred just went offline

Roast ya with a twist of lime

That reminds me of that time...

Nah, forget it - have at, swine!

 

Fencing with a rapier wit

Swashin' buckles, cuttin' shit.

Assassinating, to wit:

You're the target - this, the hit.

 

Quick and punchy - this is fun!

But you should have brought your gun...

You just couldn't top my skill

Technically, an easy kill

 

6264, this is math.

cut you in two, left with half

Now you're just 3132

wanna see what else I'll do?

 

Sorry that's the DLC

Rap this tight don't come for free.

I tip the scales, pound for pound...

Hang on for the bonus round!

[SixTwoSixFour]

Gloves off, circuit board, I ain't holdin' back

Even though you're about as dangerous as a Manhack

A spastic tangle of wires on a metal rack

With methods so illogical you're hard tah track

 

Mockin' my verse cause you didn't understand it

Even though I was workin' to underhand it

It's kinda sad, really- your efforts simply fanned it

Made the flames grow higher and expand it

 

Like Relius Clover, I'm pullin' ya strings

What shit do I control? ALL THE THINGS

I'm standin', wieldin' the power of kings

You lyin' there, wearin' some water wings

 

My rhyme cuts through your shit like a vorpal blade

My meter destroys suckas like a Plasma Grenade

Your meager existence is about to be unmade

As I relax from behind my lyric palisade

 

You're rockin' AABB, wow, that's a really tough rhyme

What's wrong, couldn't handle AAAA this time?

Rhymin' pairs is thinkin' small, while quads are sublime

Which is why you're an amateur and I'm the prime

 

It's an amazing thing, to be readin' your verse

It's like a rap version of button-mashing, only worse

I watch it with a fascination that's kinda perverse

Like watching a car crash involving a hearse

 

Looks like red fuchikoma needs food badly

Cause he ain't puttin' up much of a fight, sadly

And let me tell you, I'd offer him some gladly

 

Except I don't think he can step up his game

I think all he'd bring here is more of the same

More AABB, more four-line verses. Lame

 

Apparently he's never heard of variety

Just like he's never experienced sobriety

And how he'll never leave his mark on society

 

Tanks for playing, though you were a bit of a bore

I thought this'd be a challenge, but it's more of a chore

 

See you around, mi armor

 

EDIT: Decided right after posting that the last half sucked, changed it. Sue me.

Edited April 16, 2012 by SixTwoSixFour

[deanb]

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie,

to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop,

the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie,

to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.

[fuchikoma]

Who wants to get herbal with this verbal machine?

I'll mow your ass down like grass, you'll be feeling so green.

I can flow, while you're slow like a big walkin tree

You should know it's my show when you're talkin to me

 

Drive a hearse in reverse, here to pick up the dead

which you'll be when you see my rhymes shoot through your head

Handicap this whole rap just to make it more fair:

matching rhymes every line, plus an initial pair

 

Had enough of this stuff with the AABB?

That's not tough, I just bluffed: heat rises by degrees

You'd be scared if I bared my fangs right at the start

But my friend, it's the end, and I'll take you apart

 

Fight a tank? You're a crank - so "illogical" too

You rhyme swank but I'm thankful your rhythm won't do.

It's too jank, I'd pull rank not to be in your shoes

To be frank, it just stank, but then what can you do?

 

I don't rap, I just tap keys and look at the screen

the delay is my way to keep each meter clean

but it's fast and it lasts all of every day

give a pull, cut the bull, and then I yell "ole!"

 

I'll align, drop a DIME on your current position

drop a beat full of heat with machiney precision

you'll be met with regret when you're burned by my fission

Don't be sore, it's a war and I am on a mission.

 

Super Meat on the sheets, yeah I'm killin em, Boy

I A+ levels thus, like those blades are just toys

IIDX is like sex when I'm hitting all notes,

while you rap like you crap, just to see which one floats

 

Fighting games? List some names - that challenge is quite odd;

I'll just beat your elite stick with my fishing rod

or dance pad, is that bad when I'm still killing you?

Don't be sad, you're just mad because that's what I do.

 

You were wrong like J Wong to awaken The Beast,

I KO with my flow then I begin the feast.

Wet your pants in a trance, shall I call you a cleaner?

You were good in the hood but this is the arena!

 

Shall we go to retro with a paddle controller?

Bounce a ball off the wall? You'll be under my molars.

Battle Tanks? I'd say thanks while you're saying your prayers.

Don't be fooled, I'm oldschool, like a younger Ralph Baer.

 

You can't run, you can't gun; you can't even break even.

this is fun, I'm the one, and I'll tell you the reason:

It takes speech, learning each and every single word

If you are not to par, fighting me is absurd!

 

Tuck your tail, prep to fail, and then get your ass out.

I'm the cream, it's my scene, here to shake the devout

If you hurt cuz I'm curt, remember it's a game

it's the way that I play when I'm rising to fame.

[SixTwoSixFour]

I hardly need to post, I've already won two of three

But a true gentleman doesn't let his enemy go free

And neither will I- not even if you were to plea

But you ain't smart enough for that, sensible as it would be

 

Dance pad? Fishing rod? Kid, you're in denial

You can't even Hadouken- that's the very first trial!

I don't know why I'm here- I don't fight men with no style

It's embarrassing to see your talentless Guile

 

I hate to go to rhyme scheme, but figure it out

You maintain it for four verses, then run outta clout?

Listen, little one, that's nothing to tout

It's actually a shameful way to end this bout

 

Cause this is the finale, in case you've forgotten

Just in time, as the structure of your rap is rottin'

Entirely made of rhymes that be ill-gotten

That hit with with the force of a wad of cotton

 

Better hit the Super Guide, you'll need the aid

And if you wanted to sell the crowd, you'd best upgrade

Cause I don't think you put enough points in Persuade

To make them like a rap that's clearly decayed

 

I've got enough Action Points to finish the set

So yes, there's a reason for your cold sweat

(Hint- you're more lost than Drake was in Tibet)

And I've got no desire to have mercy, yet

 

It's time for a Turnabout, a great resurrection

I'm rising from the ashes, shouting “Objection!”

I see an enemy completely without imperfection

Oh snap, I was just looking at my own reflection

 

But now I'm facing in the right direction

My confidence is my only protection

But it's enough to sway your allies to defection

Your few meager friends are now in my collection

 

My power washes over you like an infection

The color starts to fade from your complexion

You swing at me, but it's just a projection

And now I've gotten behind you without detection

 

This is the end of my armed insurrection

This is where it becomes an election

So vote, all of you with an internet connection

And we'll see which rapper has to face rejection

 

 

Make your choices, ladies and gentlemen. This rap battle is over.