deanb Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 I just kinda want a thread for those really bad jokes we know. I have quite a few but I only tend to remember a few at a time so I guess I'll add more as they float to the top of my head. What's the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other is a fucking great year. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar. Barman says "is this some kind of joke?" What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward What do you call a man with two wooden heads? Edward Wood What do you call a man with four wooden heads? I don't know, but Edward Woodward would know. Did you hear about the man that accidentally drank varnish? It was a terrible end. But a beautiful finish. An recently married elderly couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate the marriage. The woman says "I must warn you, I have acute angina". The old man, hard of hearing, responds "a what?". "I HAVE ACUTE ANGINA" she repeats. "Oh well that's good cos your wrinkly tits were a right turn off". Three women are at a pre-natal clinic chatting away. The brunette says "well I'm going to have a boy because I was on top". "Well I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom", says the ginger. Suddenly the blonde bursts into tears. After finally calming her down the two women asks what upset her, "I'm going to have a puppy!!" she exclaims. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luftwaffles Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 This one might belong in the US politics thread. So a terrorist, a muslim, and a socialist walk into a bar. "Hello, Mr. President", says the bartender. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMightyEthan Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 It took me a while to get the wooden head ones. The voice in my head doesn't have a British accent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRevanchist Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 A midget walks into a bar. "Ouch!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Luftwaffles Posted March 20, 2012 Popular Post Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 So a baby seal walks into a club. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMightyEthan Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. I actually find that one hilarious though... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyp2121 Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 Two guys are in a bar, one guy says, "I had sex with your mother last night." The other guys replies, "My moms been dead for nine years." "No wonder she smelled so bad." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted March 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 A guy goes into a bar n orders 12 whiskeys. He then proceeds to down them all one after another. The barman asks "Whats the occasion?". The guy replies "Just had my first blow job". "Well congratulations! Here have another on the house". And the guy responds "Nah, if 12 won't get rid of the taste I doubt another will". What's the ultimate in trust? Two cannibals doing 69 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thursday Next Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 This one only really works if you read it out loud... Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo! Two snowmen in field, one of them says to the other "Can you smell carrots?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yantelope V2 Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 Two atoms walked into a bar. one says "Hey I lost an electron" "are you sure?" "yes, I'm positive!" Nerdiest joke I ever laughed at. I felt so guilty for laughing at it too. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says "doesn't that bother you?" "arrr, it's driving me nuts!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thursday Next Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 I was gonna put a joke about the periodic table but all the good ones argon. P.S. Why a pirate? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Rat Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 (edited) Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He did outstanding in his field. Why do cows need bells? Because their horns don't work. What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. Edited March 20, 2012 by Cyber Rat 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMightyEthan Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 P.S. Why a pirate? Because a normal person would say "my" and then the pun wouldn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thursday Next Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 P.S. Why a pirate? Because a normal person would say "my" and then the pun wouldn't work. Tell that to Dean. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yantelope V2 Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 So normally these are best told in person in rapid succession as they aren't funny but build well. How do you get an elephant into a VW Beetle? Opent the door, put him in, close the door How do you get two elephants into a VW Beetle? one in the front one in the back How do you get five elephants into a VW Beetle? two in the front two in the back one in the glove box How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge? a set of footprints in the butter How can you tell if there's two elephants in your fridge? two sets of footprints in the butter How can you tell if there's five elephants in your fridge? there's a VW beetle parked out front How many Tarzan's can you fit in a fridge? there's only one Tarzan Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? He was dead Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first one Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? He thought it was a game Why do ducks have flat feet? to stomp out forest fires Why do elephants have flat feet? to stomp out flaming ducks 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted March 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 We put elephants in Mini's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRevanchist Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 I see 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yantelope V2 Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 Yeah, I don't know if the elephant jokes are any good online but if you tell them in person really quickly without stopping for people to try to understand it can be a lot of fun and you get people really confused because they're not sure if they're supposed to laugh or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battra92 Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJGItzuFkEM 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excel_excel Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 Haha, hell yeah, I remember that joke from Dexter's Lab! Also reminded me of the best bad joke ever told in Curb Your Enthusiasm. NSFW! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_YWdozHrZU 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Little Pirate Posted March 21, 2012 Popular Post Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothin'. You dun told that bitch twice! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excel_excel Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) how do you get 100 babies into a bowl? blender how do you get them out? nacho chips Edited March 21, 2012 by excel_excel 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted March 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 Reminds me of another: Why did the mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted March 30, 2012 Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 What do you call a police woman that shaves her pubes? Cuntstubble Does that joke work in the US? And since I just finished AC: Brotherhood: Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head? because from a distance they look like hares 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luftwaffles Posted March 31, 2012 Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 What do you call an amputee being dragged behind a boat? Skip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.