deanb Posted March 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 What'd you call a man hanging off a back of a car Reg What'd you call a man hanging off the back of your car Our Reg What'd you call a man with a shovel in his head Pete What'd you call a man with a rabbit up his bum Warren What'd you call a man laying outside your door. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMightyEthan Posted March 31, 2012 Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 I get the rabbit and door one, but the other three sailed right over my head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted March 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 Our Reg/R Reg/R Registration plate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peat - Pete. It's soil you can burn. Also I don't completely get Spork's one. Mainly cos if you hooked one of these up to a boat it'd sink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luftwaffles Posted March 31, 2012 Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 Hah, it's actually supposed to be like a rock skipping across the water. I like how we now have two english vs. english threads. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted March 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 Two men go to a bar. The first man says "I'll have some H2O". The second says, "I'll have some H2O too". The second man died. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pojodin Posted April 10, 2012 Report Share Posted April 10, 2012 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says nothing because it is a horse and doesn't understand English. It gets confused about it's surroundings and gallops out of the bar, upending a few tables along the way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yantelope V2 Posted April 10, 2012 Report Share Posted April 10, 2012 A French General asks a British General why their soldiers wear red coats. The British General responds "So that the enemy can't see us bleed". The French General goes home and the next day unveils the new French uniforms with brown pants. A Frenchman, a woman and an Englishman are all on a train. The train enters a tunnel, everything goes dark and there is a loud slap. When the train exits the tunnel and there is light the Frenchman is rubbing his cheek in pain. The Frenchman thinks "The Englishman must have tried to kiss the woman and she slapped me on accident". The woman thinks "That Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, got the Englishman and the Englishman slapped him." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that Frenchman again". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted April 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 10, 2012 See I know the red coat and the brown trousers thing but as the clothes of a pirate fending off the navy. (So starts off with one ship and he asks the cabin boy to get his red jacket, then explains the significance. Then they're attacked again, once more the red jacket. Then they are up against 5 ships and he gets him to get his brown trousers) Oh I know one. A guy goes into a pub and there at the bar is a genuine pirate; hook, peg leg n eye patch. Full works. So the guy sits down and asks him how he came to be in this sorry state. He starts with the peg leg, telling the tale of how he fell in the ocean and a giant white shark bit it clean off at the knee. Then years later he's taken captive by some random tribe, and to escape he cut off his own hand. Then he gets to the tale of how he came to have his eye patch. He was laying on the beach one day and a seagull shat in his eye. The guy stops him here "hang on, how do you lose an eye to seagull shit?". The pirate replies, "aye, well you see, it be the day after I got me hook". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yantelope V2 Posted April 11, 2012 Report Share Posted April 11, 2012 I don't know what's worse, jokes like this or that I understand them and laugh. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted April 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 https://twitter.com/#!/TheTommyCooper A Tommy Cooper account (obviously not actually him since he dropped dead on stage years back), some oldies but goodies. Mainly pun based stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted May 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chewblaha Posted May 29, 2012 Report Share Posted May 29, 2012 Chewie: happy birthday Chewie: 22 year old Chewie: i turn 25 this year Dean [PXOD]: errrm Chewie: so i get my robot sheath Chewie: aren't you 22 Chewie: or 21? Chewie: or 23? Chewie: if you turn 25 Chewie: you get your robot sheath Chewie: since your body is old at 25 Dean [PXOD]: 23 Dean [PXOD]: robot sheath? Chewie: two years bro Chewie: enjoy it Chewie: yeah dude Chewie: like a body Chewie: like Chewie: it breaks down usually aroudn fifty eyars afterwards Chewie: so Chewie: i'm sorry Chewie: it's just a bad old person joke Chewie: wait a minute.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted May 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2012 He meant exoskeleton. It took a while to clarify he didn't have a robotic condom. It was a very very terrible attempt at a joke. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MasterDex Posted May 30, 2012 Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 Ye all probably know this one but I don't think I posted anything here yet so here it goes. An English couple adopt a little German boy. After two years the child doesn’t speak and the parents are worried about him. After three years he hasn't spoken once and by his fourth birthday, he still hasn't uttered a word. The English couple figure he's never going to speak but he's a lovely child so on his fourth birthday they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the little German boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not like the orange icing on the chocolate cake. "My god," his mother says, "you can speak?" To which the German boy replies, "Of course.". "How come you've never spoken before? “his father asks. “Well,” the boy says, "up till now, everything has been satisfactory." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Jack Posted June 10, 2012 Report Share Posted June 10, 2012 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Pirate Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=-LhgCkXUyzc 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
「Advent Chaos」 Posted June 24, 2012 Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) I bought some popsicles the other day and these were printed on the sticks: Why wasn't the window cool? It didn't have any shades. What kind of tree would have the best bark? Dogwood. What did "A" and "B" look for at the beach? A "C" gull. What kind of flower buys Father's day cards? A Sunflower. What did Mr.Hamburger & Mrs.Hamburger name their daughter? Patty. I gotta buy me some more popsicles. Edited June 24, 2012 by 「Advent Chaos」 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
「Advent Chaos」 Posted June 24, 2012 Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 Found 3 more sticks! Why did the policeman arrest the baseball player? He stole 2nd base. What kind of shoe does a thief wear? Sneakers. What is a trombone's favorite thing to do on the playground? Slide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luftwaffles Posted June 24, 2012 Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 10 years. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted June 24, 2012 Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? He ate it before it was cool. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Strangelove Posted June 24, 2012 Popular Post Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? He ate it before it was cool. Man, this joke was so much funnier like a year ago before everybody started telling it. Edited June 24, 2012 by Strangelove 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Pirate Posted June 25, 2012 Report Share Posted June 25, 2012 Why do so many redneck murders go unsolved? Because everyone's DNA matches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMightyEthan Posted June 25, 2012 Report Share Posted June 25, 2012 What do a tornado and an Arkansas divorce have in common? Someone's losing a trailer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SomTervo Posted June 25, 2012 Report Share Posted June 25, 2012 A guy walks into a bar with a slab of ashphalt under his arm. He says, 'I'll take a whiskey, and one for the road.' (Hope nobody saw this on the Punny Twitter feed.) What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 10 years. A friend of mine, on the spot, came up with an even more distasteful iteration of this kind of joke. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a tractor? You get more than 4 years of use out of a tractor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted June 25, 2012 Report Share Posted June 25, 2012 Is there a place here for terrible, offensive jokes? I was watching Boardwalk Empire and damn do they have terrible, offensive jokes (and songs!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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