NeoStarr Posted June 4, 2013 Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 This is the only clean joke I know... Edit: This is the cleanest joke I know... There's this bus driver en route to Seseme Street. On the way he sees these two fat twin sisters standing at a bus stop so he pulls over. and goes; "Hey! Going to Seseme Street? What are your names?" "My name is Patty" says the one sister"And my name is Patty, too!" says the other sister So they get on. Ten minutes later bus driver sees this slightly retarded looking kid at a stop so he pulls over. and goes; "Hey! Going to Seseme Street? What's your name?" "My name is Ross and I'm special!" Says the slightly retarded looking kid So the bus driver helps him take his seat and carries on down the road. About twenty minutes later as they're coming around the countryside the bus driver sees this real redneck spitting tobacco at the foot of the bus stop sign so he pulls over and goes; "Hey! Going to Seseme Street? What's your name?" "My name is Cletus; Cletus Chee! Hyuk!" So the bus driver lets him on and carries on his way. For the most part it was a pretty uneventful trip from then on, except for one point about halfway through when one of the Patties screamed "EWW! That guy keeps playing with his feet!". Finally they all arrive safely at Seseme Street. The exhausted bus driver opens the doors and watches everyone depart, then parks the bus at a station about a mile down the road. With his day finished, he crosses his arms around the wheel, sets his head to rest on them, lets out a deep sigh and says; "Boy, what a day! Two all beef Patties, Special Ross, Cletus Chee's pickin' his bunions; all on a Seseme Street bus!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 what did the 2 tampons say to each other nothing, because they were stuck up cunts 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercurial Posted July 3, 2013 Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vecha Posted July 13, 2013 Report Share Posted July 13, 2013 A poor man and a rich man were discussing what they bought their wife for Xmas. The rich man said that he bought his wife a diamond ring and a new car. The poor man asked, "Why did you buy her those two?"The rich man replied, "So that if she doesn't like the ring she'll have the car."The poor man told the rich man that he got his wife a slipper and a dildo.The rich man asked, 'Why did you buy her both?"The poor man replied, "So that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Jack Posted July 14, 2013 Report Share Posted July 14, 2013 This is more of a story than a joke but here goes. I have a friend who delivers pizzas. This friend also happens to look like George Zimmerman. He was telling me about how he was delivering to a house and a black man opens the door and just stares at him for several seconds until my friend asks him how he's doing. The guy snaps out of it and says he's fine. The customer, who was obviously in a weird place, tries to make a little bit of small talk with him while they're exchanging the food and money. He asks my friend if they've been busy that night. My friend apparently couldn't resist and answered "Actually it's been dead." The guy looks at him for a few seconds, then hands him a fiver and shuts the door. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted July 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2013 Saw a cheap TV being sold at Argos with the sign "Volume stuck on full". I though "can't turn that down!". @MJ:Just kinda realised the idea of small talk with deliveryman is kinda weird, not even sure where you'd wedge it in in here. Kinda just open door, confirm name, get food, and close door again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baconrath Posted July 24, 2013 Report Share Posted July 24, 2013 What does Batman put in his drinks? Just ice 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted July 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2013 How does batman know it's time for dinner? His mum pops her head out and shouts "dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman!" Where does the Pink Panther come from? Durham, Durham, Durham Durham Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercurial Posted July 25, 2013 Report Share Posted July 25, 2013 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted July 26, 2013 Report Share Posted July 26, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRevanchist Posted September 4, 2013 Report Share Posted September 4, 2013 Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this,but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'The doctor then delivered a little girl.He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a bloody good ting we didn't use WD-40. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luftwaffles Posted September 4, 2013 Report Share Posted September 4, 2013 What's the fastest dairy product in the west? Milk, because it's pasteurised before you see it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post TheFlyingGerbil Posted September 17, 2013 Popular Post Report Share Posted September 17, 2013 "Knock Knock" "Whose their?" "The Grammar Police" "Oh fuck" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted September 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2013 My brain has decided to be a a bit active today: My grandma always says "don't start what you don't intend to finish". My grandma started a family.... I print out all of my jokes on perforated paper. Because they're tearable jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday It would be funny if this joke had a punchline Wooden tit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted October 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2013 We traded a few at work: Why did the developer leave his job? He didn't get arrays Why did the web developer leave the restaurant? He didn't like the table layout An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baconrath Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 What do you call a crime fighting alligator wearing a vest? An investigator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted November 2, 2013 Report Share Posted November 2, 2013 Diarrhoea is hereditary... it runs in the jeans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Jack Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 A man walks into a bar and sees another man with a huge orange head drinking in the corner. Curious, he asks the bartender why the other man has a huge orange head and the bartender tells him to get the story from the man himself. So he buys the man a drink to break the ice and asks him to tell his story. The orange headed man is cool about it and says "Well, a while back I found a lamp and when I rubbed it, a genie came out to grant me three wishes!" "Wow, what'd you wish for?" "Well first, I wished to be super rich. So the genie snapped his fingers and suddenly I had a huge mansion and a completely loaded bank account." "What'd you wish for next?" asked the man, curious. "Well, my second wish was to have a beautiful wife. The genie snapped his fingers and the most gorgeous blonde I've ever seen poofed right next to me and we got hitched right there on the spot." The man seems confused and says "This is interesting and all, but it doesn't explain your head. What happened with your third wish?" The other man frowns and says "Well, looking back now, I didn't really think my third wish through very well. I wished for a huge, orange head." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luftwaffles Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted February 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2014 Spent all day organising my spices. Where does the thyme go? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted February 2, 2014 Report Share Posted February 2, 2014 You think you're a 10? On the pH scale, maybe cuz you basic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted February 7, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2014 From colleague: Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world? Because it keeps Dublin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted February 10, 2014 Report Share Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) short audio clip joke it wouldn't be half as funny if i wrote it out. edit:dont worry it doesnt autoplay Edited February 10, 2014 by TheFlyingGerbil 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRevanchist Posted February 13, 2014 Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 In the spirit of Yantelope's elephant jokes from early on: What does a duck use it's webbed feet for? To stamp out fires! What does an elephant use it's feet for? To stamp out the duck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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