TheFlyingGerbil Posted March 3, 2014 Report Share Posted March 3, 2014 I don't have the patients to be a doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staySICK Posted March 3, 2014 Report Share Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) so the daytona 500 reminded me of my "instigate a redneck fight" joke (I hope I haven't posted it here before)What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall. Edited March 3, 2014 by staySICK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Jack Posted April 6, 2014 Report Share Posted April 6, 2014 Game of Thrones joke here. Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they like to push two twins together to make a king. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luftwaffles Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 I'm really not a big fan of Sandy Hook jokes. Seems like they're all targeted at younger audiences. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted April 9, 2014 Report Share Posted April 9, 2014 i'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet i dont know y i’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet just not u any more letters that would work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted April 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2014 Turns out I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. h Work? Anywho: Why do they call it "Always" if it's only used once a month? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted June 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2014 The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (rather than German, which was the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" and "fosforous" up to 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments wil enkourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Zen ze drem vil hav finali kum tru. Why aren't noses 12 inches long? Because then they would be a foot. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMightyEthan Posted September 9, 2014 Report Share Posted September 9, 2014 How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted October 2, 2014 Report Share Posted October 2, 2014 Beethoven:ARE YOU READY TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES?! Audience:*cheers* Beethoven:I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SomTervo Posted October 14, 2014 Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 (edited) One of my friends was around the other day with one of the worst jokes I've ever heard. Came up with it himself. Was genuinely proud. Rhianna and Drake go to a really nice restaurant, a place famed for seafood. A waiter seats them and they and begin chatting about what they'll get. The maitre d' waits on them himself. They have a nice starter of mussels, but Rhianna decides she wants a proper full-bodied fish dish for a main. Together the pair order the most expensive thing on the menu. Twenty minutes later and the waiter brings out an utterly harrowed looking fish. It's paler than usual, with a frowning mouth and desolate eyes. "We're not eating this," says Drake, "Send it back, please." "Non, monsieur, you don't understand," says the maitre d', "he looks sad, but it has only made his flavour better." Begrudgingly, they dig in. Rhianna takes the top half, Drake the bottom. Rhianna eats her way into the fish, enjoying the flavour, then she reaches the center of its body. A tiny, glowing red heart is there, pulsating. "Drake!" She exclaims, "look!" "We found love in a hopeless plaice!" Edited October 14, 2014 by kenshi_ryden Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Man: I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long. girl replies: I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted November 14, 2014 Report Share Posted November 14, 2014 Why was Oedipus against profanity? - Because he kisses his mother with that mouth. ... I’m getting really tired of these motherfucking jokes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted December 1, 2014 Report Share Posted December 1, 2014 (edited) Why was six afraid of seven? because seven is a registered six offender. Edited December 1, 2014 by TheFlyingGerbil 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDDQD Posted December 12, 2014 Report Share Posted December 12, 2014 What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming? Here come the elephants. And version in which I heard itŁ What does the hunter say when he sees a running elephant? An elephant's running! Even though it's stupid it cracked me up the first time. But i guess it was the delivery that made it, because my buddy just dropped it out of nowhere in a middle of conversation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted December 13, 2014 Report Share Posted December 13, 2014 How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRevanchist Posted December 14, 2014 Report Share Posted December 14, 2014 A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were in a car speeding down a quiet road when they saw cop lights coming up behind them in the mirror. Everyone in the car had bad driving records and didn't want another ticket. So, they sped around a bend and pulled over the car. There were three large sacks laying next to the barn at which they stopped. The brunette said, "Let's hide in those sacks. If he comes over, follow my lead." Sure enough, after the cop stopped next to their car, he saw the three sacks moving a slight. He walked up to the first one the brunette was in and poked it with his night stick. "Meow!" "Well, that's just a sack of kittens." He walks to the sack with the red head and pokes that one. "Woof!" "Well, that's just a sack of puppies." He walks to the sack with the blonde and pokes the last one. "Potato!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Jack Posted December 17, 2014 Report Share Posted December 17, 2014 OH, YA LIKE JOKES, HUH? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanb Posted January 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 How many super saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Find out next time on Dragonball Z Over 9000!!!! One, but it takes four episodes and Krillin dies at the end. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted February 19, 2015 Report Share Posted February 19, 2015 When my boyfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Jack Posted March 10, 2015 Report Share Posted March 10, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted March 18, 2015 Report Share Posted March 18, 2015 Can someone explain this to me please? me at the bar: hey ill have two on the rocks Bartender: two what? me: thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faiblesse Des Sens Posted March 19, 2015 Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 Twat? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMightyEthan Posted March 19, 2015 Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 Yeah, I don't get it... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thursday Next Posted March 19, 2015 Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 Two what = Too hot (?) No idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFlyingGerbil Posted March 19, 2015 Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 I guess it really is a terrible joke then. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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