Last Crap Movie You Saw

[Mister Jack]

I've seen better mouths on Robot Chicken.

[TheRevanchist]

Godzilla, starring Matthew Broderick. What a pile of crap. It was perfect for SyFy.

[FredEffinChopin]

Ender's Game 

(some spoilers)

 

While I understand that an adaptation must make sacrifices when going from novel to film, not only was this butchered beyond reason, but some of the stuff that was included was either portrayed very poorly/misunderstood or stripped of their real significance due the the absence of a lot of other content. This isn't just a problem for fans of the book; a bunch of impotent scenes that only make sense to people who read the book don't do anyone much good. I assume that a lot of these are a result of a struggle to include certain things to remain "faithful" to the source material, but Jesus...

 

The pacing was horrible, and most of it felt rushed. Again, I understand sacrifices must be made, but they should be sacrifices that are made to achieve something *that works*. There were just horrible decisions made regarding what to jettison and what to hold onto, and it felt like Ender's problems were being overcome in the same moment that they were being introduced. They could easily have adjusted the narrative to convey that there was a deal of time passing between events, but they didn't, and it seems like everything is happening the day after what happened before it. The only indication that there is any time passing at all is when one scene wherein Ender is writing a letter to Valentine. Still, when he meets her, the idea that they should miss each other as dearly as they are being depicted seems silly. 

 

Speaking of bizarre decisions, the single biggest plot twist in the entire story is totally undermined when, maybe 60% of the way through, they actually show the viewer that there is a human fleet en route to the formic homeworld to launch an offensive. Not only that, but fucking Ender knows! The only reason I could think of to justify the decision is to facilitate a discussion between Ender and Graff on the morality of attacking the formics on their home planet when there hadn't been any threatening gestures or even contact with them in decades. It doesn't justify it though. Showing their hand that early was a horrible decision, especially for the viewers that aren't familiar with the novel. 

 

There are SO many bad choices I can discuss, but one last thing I will mention is the casting choices. I can't slam the actors for the jobs they did so much, as they had a whole lot of garbage to work with, as well as what seemed like a director that didn't properly understand the original story. Some of the choices of actors were off, though. The biggest offender in this category is Bonzo Madrid. It seems that someone decided it would add to his character to make him short, so as to appear Napoleonic in his behavior, perhaps as a fast explanation, rather than doing actual character building (though the film moronically references the character building that it didn't do, that readers are already aware of going in). They made him tiny though. To the point of distraction. Also (and pardon my bluntness), while the novel makes a big deal out of how handsome Bonzo is, which is one source of his disproportionate pride, the film decided to go a different direction with that. And it's not just Bonzo, the film has this obnoxious, condescending habit of showing you who you're supposed to like or dislike by showing you a fat (as with Bernard) or relatively (to the others) unattractive child as a mental prompt. I found it completely revolting. 

 

Such a letdown. 

[Waldorf and Statler]

I've never seen somebody so clouded from their book rage. Even the worst of my friends still called it an ok film. Crap film though? Jesus man.

[FredEffinChopin]

I'm not sure what you mean by the worst of your friends (or if that makes me horrible by comparison), but if their opinion is enough to casually dismiss some pretty clearly listed criticisms that I took the time to communicate, then I'll say that the two friends I saw it with thought it was an embarrassment of a movie as well, and hope that everything cancels out, and that I can have an opinion again without being accused of it being a pure result of preconception or bias. I mean, shit, I enjoyed (despite some criticisms I had) the Starship Troopers film (which was pretty passionately slammed by critics and fans) after having read the book first... Several times, even.  I feel like I'm pretty well past the point of criticizing cinematic adaptations for not being replicas of the novels that inspire them. 

 

For what it's worth, I'm generally more critical of movies than most people I know are. In my mind I feel like I just have less of a tolerance for pandering, soulless art (especially when it's in a format that takes so long to consume), but even that is subjective, and I'm certain I enjoy a lot of shit that can be accused of being both of those things, in any medium. I almost never go to the theater though (less than 5 times in the last decade), and most of the newer movies I've seen in recent years make me glad that I don't. I made an exception for this hoping at least for something that fell short of the mark but still had satisfying moments, or something in the realm of that. I genuinely thought it was terrible, and if I were at home I'd have shut it off and told myself I'd finish it another time, and then I never would. The only reason I stayed in the theater is because I was there with friends... and we drove from their house in their car. I was curious to know how they wrapped things up, but not so much that I wouldn't have taken a reasonable exit if one presented itself. I almost wished I smoked again so I'd have something to do if I decided to go stand outside. It was just excruciating when it wasn't laughable. But anyway, the point is that I didn't like A Clockwork Orange (after the book), and I thought The Dark Knight was just decent. I'm not the easiest person to please, so keep that in mind while I tell you how terrible this movie is.

[Waldorf and Statler]

Did not know you weren't a fan of ACWO so yeah, I'll take what you say with a grain of salt from now on

 

 

I still liked enjoyed reading your review though. Maybe I just didn't care about Ender's Game like others. And by worst of my friends I meant the most anally critical one that needs to nitpick everything, I wasn't calling you that I was just genuinely surprised somebody could be as enthusiastic as he is.

[TheFlyingGerbil]

2012. I know you have to take disaster movies with a pinch of salt but this was just too ridiculous.

[deanb]

http://youtu.be/c2IqI7gOE54?t=1h8m48s

 

Now you need to watch this.

[TheRevanchist]

Prometheus. What a pile of shit. Bland characters with good visuals does not make a good movie.

 

The thing that bothered me the entire time was that I felt like this was a modern update of certain Sigourney Weaver movie. Turns out it was just a prequel.

[TheRevanchist]

This Is 40. This is shit.

[Hot Heart]

Wide Open Spaces

 

Came across this one day while browsing Netflix and added it to my list for future viewing sometime. After all, it's by Arthur Mathews (one half of the Father Ted writers) and stars Father Dougal himself (Ardal O'Hanlon) along with Spud/Mullet (Ewen Bremner). And it sounds like an off-kilter style film, being about a couple of losers who wind up getting involved in building a 'famine theme park' (as in Ireland's 'Great Famine').

 

So, it transpires that this film would be gone from Netflix on 1st Jan, so I sat down on New Year's Eve and had a couple of choices. This or Outlander. I started with Outlander and watched for a little bit. That is, until the alien protagonist who crashes down in Norway around 709AD 'downloads' Norse through his eyeball and then loudly declares, "Fuck!" at the pain that process caused, before grabbing his highly-advanced weapon and just obliterating a tree as a test. After that I decided to cut my losses and switch to Wide Open Spaces.

 

I can see that it wants to be like a bit like a Pinter play or perhaps something close to In Bruges but it's just plain fucking boring. There's the odd decent gag here and there, and I can't really fault the actors, it's just nothing much happens and it has no momentum at all.

[TheRevanchist]

Bait.

 

The only reason we watched this movie is because my wife misread who was in it. She thought she read Samuel Jackson and it was some nobody named Samuel.

 

I am pretty sure this is how the proposal for making the movie worked:

 

"One more shot of tequila and let's get serious. Okay! Now. Let's take every stereotype movie character and throw them all together. And then there is a tsunami. Yeah! And some fuckin' man-eating sharks!"

 

"What about some black guy who you know will die horribly?"

 

"No. We aren't racist! Let's replace that with a mean Asian guy."

 

*high fives and chest bumps*

 

*another round of shots*

 

This movie was shit. But, despite it being shit, if you were as obviously drunk as the people behind it, you will have some good laughs at their expense (I'm talking how bad Leprechaun 2 was).

[TCP]

The Hunger Games Catching Fire

 

 

God, Katniss is such a miserable and unlikable character. She spends the entire time to being cold as ice to a guy who saved her life, then at the end, when a bunch of people go through hell to get her out of the Hunger Games, she is totally ungrateful and pissed that they also didn't get Peta out. ALSO WHY THE FUCK IS HIS NAME PETA INSTEAD OF PETER!?! THAT'S STUPID. THIS ENTIRE BULLSHIT IS STUPID.

 

 

She's no Clint Barton or Oliver Queen, that's for certain.

[TheMightyEthan]

Catching Fire spoilers:

 

 

She's supposed to be unlikable, because she's completely fucked up from the first Hunger Games.  The reason she's ungrateful and pissed that they didn't save Peeta, is because she doesn't think she deserved to live, and she's idolized him as this truly wonderful person who did deserve to live.  Her only goal was to make sure Peeta got out alive, and then they fucking rescued her and left him to die.  She's cold to him because, first, he's a constant reminder of the first Hunger Games, and second, because she sees him as such a good and noble person he makes her feel bad about herself because of her own perceived selfishness and willingness to sacrifice others to protect herself.

 

[TCP]

That's bullshit, Ethan. BULLSHIT!

 

 

Look at the guy with the trident who befriended Katniss. The guy was instantly more likeable than Katniss. Sure, maybe he was all fucked up from his Hunger Games, but he didn't sit their pouting and moaning, and he didn't even get to leave his Hunger Games with his district partner. Same deal with Johanna, the girl who got naked infront in the elevator. At least she dealt with her feelings on the Hunger Games and President Snow directly instead of just being a mope.

 

Personally, I hope for a spinoff movie featuring Katniss' spunky sister.

Book 3 spoilers:

 

Except she fucking dies in the end thanks to Katniss' other boyfriend. Great pick there, Kat.

 

[TheRevanchist]

TME, did your wife make you read the books or something?  That just seems to arbitrary for a guy watching this movie to know.

[TheMightyEthan]

I read the books, but it wasn't my wife. I can't remember who it was that recommended them.

[madbassman39]

I watched The Hungover Games, the unrated version. My buddies and I were drunk, and knew it would be bad, but we watched it anyways. It was terrible. Some jokes landed but overall it was dated references (they had a Borat reference in this movie) that would have been bad if it came out when the Hunger Games came out.

 

The only redeeming factor was that two of the actors looked like two of the actors from the Hangover, and the gratuitous nudity. Some great boobies in that movie.

[Mister Jack]

It makes me literally angry that these movies keep getting made.  I bet you that literally anyone in this forum could probably write a funnier movie than these pieces of shit, but we're not the ones getting paid big bucks to do it.

[TheRevanchist]

  Now, see, I love campy shit like this.  Specifically, the ones made by the Wayans brothers.

[TheMightyEthan]

Ender's Game.  I probably would have liked it more if I'd never read the book, but goddamn did they crap up the book.  The plot was also super rushed, so nothing that happened made sense re: character motivations.  The damn movie was less than 2 hours long, they could have taken a little more time and actually expanded on things.  Many of the changes also completely destroy major points of the book (like the fight with Bonzo).

 

Just a bad adaptation all around.

[Faiblesse Des Sens]

Haven't seen or read but aren't character motivations a big part?

[TheMightyEthan]

Yes, which is why it's here instead of just the Last OK Movie thread.  I highly recommend the book, but your life would be no worse if you never see the movie.

 

Honestly, as much as I hate the trend, this is one that could have been split into two movies, each longer than this one was.

[Mr. GOH!]

Amazing Spider-Man 2. 

 

It's a shockingly inept superhero movie without a single original plot point or character arc. The villains' plots make no sense; both start out as relatable characters who, during the course of the movie, have their morality switches suddenly flipped from good to chaotic evil. The movie half-asses the relationship between Peter and Harry and at no point does it ever really feel like they are best friends. Then again, they aren't best friends in the Sony Spiderverse; they were friends until they were ten years old, when Harry was sent off to boarding schools. So, a decade later during which it's made clear they had no contact, Peter just shows up at Harry's and they're buddies again. It's more awkward than intended and utterly undercuts Peter's internal conflict about being enemies with his best friend.

 

It's also very sad to see poor Andrew Garfield get upstaged by Emma Stone in every scene they have together; she's obviously the real talent in that pair. I can understand why she got out of the Sony Spider-Man franchise after two movies.

[deepdoop]

Bad Words was the last crap movie I watched. I just didn't find it funny at all except for a gag or two. Mostly it just seemed mean. Mean-spirited comedy can be fine, but there wasn't much to this... just Jason Bateman swearing and being mean to kids. It's a shame because the premise is kinda funny.