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Last Crap Movie You Saw


Yantelope
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  • 2 months later...

Venom. 

 

I almost put this in "Ok movies," but it's just derivative enough and misuses otherwise-great actors enough that it's a bad movie.

 

It is a boring, by-the-numbers origin story in which characters change and grow without it ever being shown why. It's baffling. There have to be scenes explaining certain characters' about-faces and relationships left on the cutting room floor. 

Spoiler

There is some chemistry between Hardy and Williams, but it is never shown or established what their characters see in each other. Her new boyfriend also suddenly wants to help Eddie Brock out after he truly fucks up a lunch date at a very fancy restaurant for them (and I won't even mention all the HIPAA violations the doctor/boyfriend makes throughout the movie).

 

More importantly, Venom begins the movie wanting to destroy and consume the Earth and then suddenly with no explanation is willing to sacrifice itself to save humanity. There is nothing establishing Venom's change of heart and the explanation it gives is downright stupid.  

 

Despite featuring some great character actors and actresses, only Tom Hardy's performance as Brock and Venom is interesting. In fact, their relationship would be a great core for a very different movie. 

 

The wonderful Riz Ahmed plays a by-the-numbers corporate bad guy, unfortunately. Michelle Williams's role is thankless beyond belief, too.

 

==

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  • 4 months later...

Let me rant about Bohemian Rhapsody. Spoilers ahead.

It's not as bad as the Jimi Hendrix biopic but that's not saying much. I actually saw A Star Is Born recently too and I kind of wished I saw this first, it's blandness might have made me like ASIB more. The home version I saw also had the full Live Aid concert, which I don't really understand the point of, I guess if you've ever wanted to watch actors lip sync to Queen for 20 minutes than it was probably worthwhile. It failed to make Freddie a captivating, or even understandable character. Also, I don't feel like anyone who worked on this movie had ever played in a band or written a song because none of that stuff is portrayed naturally. The whole second/third act was about Freddie feeling held back by Queen, so he leaves the band and goes solo for awhile, then he fires the guy keeping them apart and they reunite for Live Aid. Live Aid was their first show in years! Except, Wikipedia mentions: "Queen never split up, so Live Aid was not a reunion. They released The Works in early 1984 and then toured worldwide. The last show of the tour was eight weeks before Live Aid." So, the whole crux of the movie was bullshit. There was other things too, like Freddie meeting his longtime girlfriend the day of Queen's first concert. Or Freddie finally getting together with his boyfriend and immediately introducing him (and coming out to) his family right before Live Aid. Obviously any biopic movie will move things around to make them more cinematic but this felt particularly obvious and egregious. 

As far as these large focus music biopics go, I think Walk The Line was way better. Smaller focus biopics like Love & Mercy or abstract ones like I'm Not There made much better movies and I think gave me a better understanding of Brian Wilson and Bob Dylan, respectively.

Honestly, I can't believe this got a Best Picture nom. I mean I can. But it shouldn't have.

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The Live Aid thing isn't just in the home version, it was the excruciating final 20 minutes of the cinema release as well. Sure it's a neat way to show recreating that kind of thing (mostly) digitally but yeah it's a bit silly to do the full run rather than a couple snippets or what not.

 

12 hours ago, Ultra TCP said:

Also, I don't feel like anyone who worked on this movie had ever played in a band or written a song because none of that stuff is portrayed naturally.

 

vlcsnap-CMRG00001.jpg

 

:P (which to be fair a lot of people have said likely contributes to a lot of the film since both want to make sure their characters shine in the best light and also maybe want to give a bit of rose tint to Freddie's story and life).

 

And yes it getting any nominations, let alone wins, is total bollocks.

 

 

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I don't know why I thought John Wick was going to be good or at least enjoyable - i has Keanu Reeves in it. It's not even that Keanu Reeves is a bad actor, he is not an actor. He is a reader of the script and a moving abouter of the set. and his reading of the script is like it's a first time readthrough in a language he doesn't speak. Maybe there were just a lot of memes involving it so it seemed like people were talking about it more than they were and there seemed some excitement about the sequel? I don't know. It just seemed a super generic action movie, like one of a thousand Jason Statham movies you don't realise exist until you see them on an obscure channel at midnight.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 7 months later...

The Queens Corgi

 

My brother and step-mum wanted to see this ad now have lost movie choosing privelages.

So apart from the crappy grade quality from "non-brand" kids movies you've got Jack Whitehall at his middle-class knobishness all tied with being made by a ton of people that haven't decided to go "hey, couldn't this be seen as promoting rape and dismissing 'no means no' cos like the dog clearly and explicitly doesn't want to mate with Trump's corgi". Oh and the female love interest originally dismisses the main corgi then suddenly changes her tune when she finds out he actually is a royal corgi but doesn't really change much in her response towards him. And and some light homophobia for the mix. So great lessons for the kids.

 

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Also, I actually meant to post that I've started watching Christmas movies which I freely admit are generally terrible, acting and predictable plot wise, but I just seem to love them. I did finally find my limit though with a story about a telepathic dog. The acting was extra bad with the adults, and so bad with the children you could actually tell they were just trying to remember their lines.

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Things (1989)

 

I enjoy watching bad movies like a lot of people just to laugh at their cheesiness but there is a limit to how much shit I can tolerate and this movie was so dreadful that I actually felt angry when it was done. The plot? Christ, I can't even be sure. It's almost impossible to follow because it's so badly shot and edited and the writing is all over the place. It has something to do with an experiment that results in a bunch of laughably bad monsters that terrorize a bunch of completely wooden, unlikable characters. No, you know what? Wooden is too good. Wood is a material that actually has substance to it. These characters are more like styrofoam and the acting is of a similar caliber. And why the hell does it keep cutting to scenes of a news reporter at the most awkward and unfitting moments? Seriously, this happens multiple times! Oh, and it's REALLY obvious that the dialogue was redubbed after the filming was done because the lip-syncing is atrocious. Can't forget how the whole thing looks like it was shot on somebody's personal VHS camcorder too, complete with bad lighting, terrible angles, and shots that are way too zoomed in. But you know what? I could have overlooked all of this if only the movie wasn't so god damn boring. About the only nice thing I can think to say about it is that is has a decent soundtrack. Mind you, it's hardly amazing, but it's okay. This is a movie made by completely untalented hacks, but not the fun kind like Ed Wood. It's the Big Rigs of cinema.

 

I'm pretty sure it's a Canadian film too so fuck you, Canada.

Edited by Mister Jack
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  • 1 month later...

The Rise of the Skywalker

 

Man, that sucked. The pacing is ridiculously rushed, there's more holes in the plot than a slice of swiss cheese, the comic relief is bad, the story makes no sense, Rey takes a flying leap into Mary Sue territory, every other character except for Kylo Ren is treated like crap and given nothing important to do except prop up Rey, and not even the John Williams score is very good. The way it tries to paper over The Last Jedi to appease the angry fans is so pathetic, too. I've never felt so pandered to while watching a film. This kind of movie is a franchise killer. Yes, even Star Wars. It retroactively makes the original trilogy worse with its retcons. I'll probably watch The Mandalorian at some point but as far as theatrical releases go I am fucking out. I don't expect Kathleen Kennedy to keep her job for much longer. She is no Kevin Feige and it is PAINFULLY apparent that they went into this trilogy with no plan and made it up as they went along. How do you do Star Wars without a plan? As bad as the prequels were, and they're still bad, at least Lucas had a story with a beginning, middle, and end he was trying to tell. At least he HAD a plan, even if it wasn't a very good one.

Edited by Mister Jack
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1 hour ago, Mister Jack said:

As bad as the prequels were, and they're still bad, at least Lucas had a story with a beginning, middle, and end he was trying to tell. At least he HAD a plan, even if it wasn't a very good one.

 

You know this trilogy was a fucking mess when it makes you go "well at least the prequels were SOMEONE'S vision". And yeah, anyone involved with the production claiming there ever was any kind of plan is a fucking liar lol. If there had been ANY kind of plan, then Rian Johnson would never have been allowed to fuck up the trilogy like he did.

 

And this isn't even a dig at The Last Jedi. I think it's actually the most interesting out of the entire trilogy. At the very least, it had some fucking balls and actually tried to be something. I honestly hope the Rian Johnson trilogy is still happening. But TLJ pretty much threw the baby out with the bath water in such a way that there was basically nowhere to go from there. It wasn't a bad movie or even a bad Star Wars but it sure as shit was a terrible part 2 of a trilogy.

 

The way I see it, Rian Johnson's failing isn't as a filmmaker, it's as a team player. He just didn't give a shit who had to pick up the pieces after he was gone lol. A part of me really wants to see the Colin Trevorrow version of this movie now. At least maybe that one would've been funny.

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19 hours ago, Mister Jack said:

How do you do Star Wars without a plan? As bad as the prequels were, and they're still bad, at least Lucas had a story with a beginning, middle, and end he was trying to tell. At least he HAD a plan, even if it wasn't a very good one.

 

Technically "Star Wars" (later Episode IV A New Hope) was done without a plan. Prequels had the benefit of knowing that you had to reach a point where certain characters are in play (and clearly certain bits have to ignore some of the things mentioned by older Obi-Wan).

 

As for Rian Johnson his failing is certainly not as a film maker given Knives Out. JJ Abrams is the one that's continually showing his arse as a nostalgia-hack. Back in Into Darkness the whole "oh no, he's John Harrison not Khan"...half hour into the film "My Name Is Khhhaannn" (with no follow up "why are you saying that like we're meant to know who that is?"). He's done the same again here with Palpatine and Lando as those hits of nostalgia to try and earn a quick undeserved emotional win. JJ brought in the likes of the Knights of Ren and Phasma then did jack shit with them (at least Johnsons gave Phasma a bit more to do), and in RotS Knights of Ren once again did jack shit. As for not giving a crap on the next guy at least Johnson didn't end his film on the beginning of the next one (on an island that is a nature reserve causing headaches for the production crew of the next film too).  Obviously some of this burden is shared by the co-writer of the film who has BvS and Justice League under his belt. Two well received films known for their coherency.

Let alone all the stuff this film did to appease the shittiest of the fan base in making sure Rose was not in the film much and bringing in Poe's old (very female) flame, and when it does have a same-sex PDA it's in a very easily cuttable scene.

 

Anywho watch The Mandalorian. It's pretty good. Jon Favreau at the helm. Has a sort of Firefly-ish vibe to it. Which I guess is me saying it's a space-western.

Has these cool vignettes at the end of the episodes as credits roll:

pdA42ha.png

 

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7 hours ago, deanb said:

As for not giving a crap on the next guy at least Johnson didn't end his film on the beginning of the next one (on an island that is a nature reserve causing headaches for the production crew of the next film too).

 

JJ had to shoot there as well though (admittedly much less), so I would expect it wasn't chosen as a location without any consideration. Plus, Johnson was writing his own script so it's not like anyone forced him to set half of his movie on that particular island. And even if it was that much of a problem, I still feel like it's ultimately less of a giant fuck you to the next guy than "the answers to all the questions set up by the previous film are 'no', 'nothing' and 'it doesn't matter'. Also the main villain is now dead. GL;HF!!!"

 

Like, it was so bad that Rise of Skywalker had to waste screentime undoing most of it and also pull Palpatine out of its ass. I mean, I'm sure there was a way to follow up Last Jedi and not be shit but I wouldn't want to be the one stuck with that job lol. And I'll say it again, I actually liked The Last Jedi! It just had the (I'm assuming unintended) side-effect of making me check out on Star Wars completely. After TFA I was on board for more and was looking forward to the next one. TLJ just left me not really giving a shit anymore. I only went to see Rise of Skywalker to get it over with and hopefully laugh at the movie.

 

And yeah, Mando is pretty great. I still need to watch the last few episodes but I really enjoyed those I've watched.

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Agreed Dean.

 

I don't believe for a second there wasn't a better way of continuing off of The Last Jedi. Hell, we already had the internal conflict between Kylo Ren and Hux that could have been the linchpin for the First Order's eventual downfall.

 

Hux does try to screw over Kylo, but it amounts to very little and Hux himself gets overshadowed by a much better antagonist, Enric Pryde.

 

I've never called any director a hack before, but after this film, Abrams has claimed that honor. Abrams wasn't forced into doing this film, and if anything, most likely knew he couldn't make an acceptable third movie with no plan. So he panders to angry fans and loads this movie with so much fan service, it's kind of insulting. Maybe that was Kathleen Kennedy's prodding and the guarantee that there's still good money to be had in making a Star Wars film. Now people are wanting to know what Colin Trevorrow had in mind for the final film. I feel like, poetically, that emphasizes the fault of this sequel trilogy. It's not the fault of single person, but a cluster of failings that couldn't be arsed to course correct.

 

I'm okay with The Force Awakens and I like The Last Jedi, but Rise of Skywalker does not sit well with me. It's not worse than the prequels, but it feels almost like how I left Revenge of the Sith back then: Indifferent.

 

Thank goodness we have The Mandalorian. Also, catching up on some Star Wars books helps remind me why I still come back.

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@FLD See, I thought TLJ was better than TFA, so as soon as they announced they were bringing JJ back my interest did a nosedive.

 

And wasn't Rian Johnson originally going to do the last one too, and they just fired him after the internet backlash to TLJ? Because if that's the case then he would have been the one having to "pick up the pieces", so it doesn't make sense to say he didn't care.

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1 hour ago, TheMightyEthan said:

@FLD See, I thought TLJ was better than TFA, so as soon as they announced they were bringing JJ back my interest did a nosedive.

 

And wasn't Rian Johnson originally going to do the last one too, and they just fired him after the internet backlash to TLJ? Because if that's the case then he would have been the one having to "pick up the pieces", so it doesn't make sense to say he didn't care.

 

Colin Trevorrow, of Jurassic World fame, was suppose to do episode 9 but he got fired. Rian is doing his own Star Wars movies which appear to still be on track, thankfully as TLJ is one of the best Star Wars movies.

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