Last Crap Movie You Saw

[toxicitizen]

6 hours ago, Thursday Next said:

Yeah, same as Ethan. "Metaverse" to me is mixing unrelated franchises from separate "universes".

 

Yeah, I got that. I was replying to the "banging action figures together" label in particular, which to me the Marvel movies absolutely are. I didn't realize Ethan specifically meant metaverse by that.

[TheMightyEthan]

Well clearly you should have done a better job of reading my mind.

[Mister Jack]

Pinocchio (2022)

 

The Disney+ remake. Holy fuck I hated this movie. It's a piece of shit. Yeah, I wasn't expecting anything great out of a Disney+ remake and I only watched it to begin with because I'm already a subscriber, but Pinocchio is a great story so I figured at worst it'd be kind of dull and mediocre with maybe a handful of fun moments and the rest of the time me and my friend could make fun of it but this was so utterly soulless that it's probably my most hated Disney remake yet, even more so than the Lion King. Why is it so bad? Well where do I even begin? Absolutely everything is CGI, even things that really didn't need to be. The fucking cat is CGI, as if they couldn't just get a real cat. The clocks in Geppetto's house are CGI. Fucking clocks! Seeing Tom Hanks felt like watching that Will Smith I Am Legend movie where he talks to himself for two hours. Sure, Tom is talking to other characters, but not one of them feels even the slightest bit real. I am way too aware that he is talking to empty space because of how bad they look. Pinocchio isn't even a real puppet before he comes to life. NONE of the puppets in this movie are real. It's all CG all the time and it looks dreadful. 

 

It gets worse, though. The story, in fact the entire point of the Pinocchio fairy tale in the first place, is completely butchered.

 

Spoiler

In the original story/Disney film he is a kid who makes bad choices and acts out because he doesn't know better, which is why he needs a cricket to be his conscience in the first place. In this version Pinocchio for the most part DOES know right from wrong and tries to make good choices but gets forced into doing bad things anyway, making Jiminy pretty pointless. He even tries going to school and they throw him out for being a puppet and tell him to go join a puppet show. What the fuck else is he supposed to do after that but become an actor? And I'm supposed to wag my finger at him for being bad? And the Pleasure Island wagon? It kidnaps him. He even tries to tell the Coachman he wants to go home because he doesn't trust him and he gets bullied into changing his mind. It's supposed to be a lesson about peer pressure but it just comes across as straight-up victim blaming.

 

And once he actually gets to Pleasure Island he doesn't do anything bad. He doesn't smoke cigars. In fact, nobody does. This is 2022. No tobacco allowed. He doesn't drink root beer. Yes, root beer. You know, the dangerous adult beverage that kids shouldn't be touching? Better not be drinking root beer until you turn 21 if you know what's good for you! And he still doesn't drink it. He doesn't fight with any other kids or engage in vandalism because, in his own words, it "doesn't feel right." The worst thing he can be accused of doing is trying to take just one shot at pool, which he completely fucks up anyway, but this is still enough to start turning him into a donkey. Are you fucking kidding me?

 

What bothered me the most is that this movie ALMOST did something cool with its ending by subverting the usual trope. Throughout the movie Pinocchio is told repeatedly that he isn't real and that Geppetto would only want a real son. Well, at the end when he's still a puppet, Geppetto tells him that he's already as real to him as he ever could be and he wouldn't change anything about him. That's nice. I like that. It's a sweet, heartwarming change. But then as they start walking off together Pinocchio starts turning into a CGI human boy and Jiminy comes up with the closing narration like "THEY SAY THAT PINOCCHIO TURNED INTO A REAL BOY AFTER THAT DAY, BUT IS IT LITERAL OR JUST A METAPHOR? YOU BE THE JUDGE!" They try to have to have their cake and eat it too because they didn't have the balls to commit to the ending.

 

Fuck. This. Movie.

[Thursday Next]

The irony of calling this movie a "live action remake" is palpable. 

[Mister Jack]

Yeah, I can't believe Robert Zemeckis is attached to this dumpster fire, especially when he's also behind my favorite movie. I know he's not always a winner but usually the man at least tries to think outside the box, but this is so deep inside the box that it's in danger of turning into a black hole.

[Mister Jack]

Black Adam

 

Man, this movie just wasn't good. I wasn't really expecting a lot but it's just so dull. Dwayne Johnson gives a surprisingly wooden performance as Adam, I don't give a shit about the side characters, the villain of the film just made me straight up roll my eyes, and the whole message that "sometimes you need an antihero" is hammered in to an obnoxious degree. Dr. Fate could be kind of enjoyable at times, but he's no Doctor Strange. Probably the most enjoyment I got out of this were the scenes where Adam just mass murders soldiers in over the top fashion. Those will be fun to watch when they hit Youtube, but the rest of the film was just a bunch of white noise. Gunn can't reboot the whole DCEU fast enough.

[Mister Jack]

Five Nights at Freddy's

 

What a fucking mess. I wasn't expecting it to be good to begin with. I figured it'd be mediocre at best and I could just enjoy it as a campy guilty pleasure, but it's seriously all over the place. The story makes no sense even for a FNAF movie and that is really saying something because the franchise lore is already absurd to begin with. There are plot holes everywhere, character motivations are nonexistent or nonsensical, and the movie tends to just make up bullshit for the sake of having a twist. Nothing even really happens for most of the film and we get dragged along on some subplot about a guy's dreams that isn't interesting or fun. Oh yeah, and this is a PG13 horror movie so don't expect to see any cool kills either. That's really the biggest crime at the end of the day. It's boring. A real shame too, because the animatronic effects by the Jim Henson Creature Shop are actually quite charming and accurate to the source material. I really hate that the labors of such talented special effects artists were wasted on such a dogshit script.