Friendship issues

[madbassman39]

Hey everyone. So yesterday a friend went off on me, and basically said "we are not friends anymore." This guy has been a good friend of mine for some time, and I've always felt he suffered from depression (intense mood swings, drinks himself to sleep a lot). I've been a good friend to him, even though he will argue otherwise, and now I'm not just upset that he decided that I was a bad friend but I am actually hurt by the words he used.

 

Two weeks ago I hung out with him, and we had a blast. I went away for a school function out of town over the last weekend, and my uncle from out of town has visited for 10 days and left yesterday. To make things more busy for me, I hadn't seen my girlfriend in almost 3 weeks, shes been working, going to visit friends 8 hours away. I also am a full time student and work 15 hours a week, needless to say I have had no time for anybody but myself, and even hardly that. On Wed I said via steam "Hey, when I get home you want to play some Battlefield Bad Company 2?" and he said "Yea sure." So as I leave, I get a call from my girlfriend. She tells me that her dog bit her and she didn't go to work so she wanted to know if I could have lunch. I agreed to have lunch and see my girlfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. Her dog bite wasn't that bad since they removed the dogs K-9s because of its bighting past, but I bought her lunch and we watched a movie at her place. I got home 3 hours later then expected, at 3 pm. I log onto steam and say "hey, want to play some Bad Company 2?" to which he replies "No, I'm gamed out."

 

I knew from past experience he was pissed at me for not running home and turning on my Xbox or Playstation, and so I let it be. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't see why anybody would really get that mad if I become available at a reasonable hour. I mean, shit, his computer and his Xbox share a monitor, so he doesn't even have to leave his room, so its not like I stood him up anywhere. Non the less I apologize to him and get no response. I then continue my day and even play some bad company by myself.

 

The next day I would mention stuff, and if he answered me it was only in short one word answers. He then tells me how hes writing a satirical paper about how cops shouldn't shoot people accidentally. I said "I really don't see why people get mad, if a cop thinks that you are going for a gun or you are holding a gun they are going to shoot, its common knowledge" (I do not want to debate this in this thread). He says I'm full of shit, and that I have no value for human life. I disagree and he then says "I'm not going to waste my time talking to you" and defriends me on steam. I got pissed, I pulled up my email and wrote "GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOUR OPINION IS NOT ANY BETTER THAN MINE!" I delete that email before sending it and instead send this

 

"You know what dude? That is bullshit if you are going to block me because we have a different point of view. If you want to do so its in your own choice, but frankly I'm incredibly offended if a difference in opinion is enough for you to stop talking to me."

 

He then replies saying that I've been a shitty friend for years, and that I am not someone he can rationalize being friends with and that being my friend is degrading.

 

I am now really upset, but I still gather my exposure and tell him that I have been a great friend, I have helped him through his problems in the past, I have been there when he needed me most and have put up with him belittling me as a person and saying my opinion isn't valid or doesn't count. I've put up with his verbal abuse because I know that deep down he has had a rough time (all of his other friends have abandoned him), but as of now I cannot forgive him for calling me a shitty friend. I am beyond offended, I am hurt.

 

About two hours later he emails me apologizing for calling me a shitty friend, but he continued to say that I have not been a good friend to him and that he doesn't know why I would think that I am there for him when he needs it. He said that I have disrespected him, and our friendship revolves around him making himself available for me (He is taking one writing class and has no job, unlike me who is taking 6 classes of engineering and working part time). He says that the only reason we are friends is because we play bad company 2 together and he has grown tired of that. He no longer wants to be my friend.

 

I respond with just this "I'm sorry that you feel that and sorry that you have said that too. To be honest though, I am still very upset by what you have said so I hope you understand why I am keeping this email short."

 

Today I went to donate blood, and forgot my Zune at home so I was just stewing in my thoughts, and became very angry purely on his one sentence "You have never been there for me when I need it, and I don't know why you would think that." I was irked. So irked that I couldn't finished donating blood because I needed something to keep my mind off of it. I left and drove around, ate and then watched this weeks episode of "Community". I then decided I needed to email him. I emailed him saying that I am not going to argue with him, but I will defend myself of his sentence about me not being there for him. I gave two examples about where I have been there for him when no one else would, when his friends abandoned him. I told him that I do not feel that we should patch things up for a few days, and just cool off before we speak. I made sure everything I said to him was controlled and thought out. I never dropped an insult at him, and I have only told him how what he has said to me has made me feel. I feel that if there is ever a reason for us to rehash things, I don't want something I said to be hanging over his friendship (even though he did ignore everything I have done for him in the past, and called me a shitty friend).

 

I ended my email with this "You may not feel that I have been there for you, you may even say that those weren't the only times that you needed me as a friend, or say they weren't important enough, thats fine. I never hung out with you to be rewarded for anything, I may have flaked on you when you wanted someone to do something with, but I always made myself available when you made it clear you needed a friend."

 

I sent it to which I have gotten no reply. I don't really know why I am posting this in here, but I need to get this off my chest. I told my girlfriend but she has only said "You will patch things up soon enough." She would have been right if he hadn't really offended me, but I'm not sure what I am going to do. I'm not really asking for validation, I'm not really asking for advice. Your input on both will be greatly appreciated, but really I just need to explain this to someone who doesn't know our past history.

 

For those of you who took the time to read this thank you. If its a tl:dr I understand.

[Pirandello]

My opinion: take the fall. Cut him out from your life. As far as things go, you're not the one losing anything here.

 

Another thing: He's being awfully passive-aggressive about this. Again, his fault, not yours.

[Strangelove]

Good story. Could have used a vampire though.

 

 

Seriously though, youve done all you could. Its all up to him now. If he wants to be your friend he will, if he doesnt he wont. Thats all there is to it.

Edited February 26, 2011 by Strangelove

[excel_excel]

You've done all you can and too much to be honest. He needs to apologise to you. There are times we have to take things on the chin and times when you have to just say I've done all I can.

[Mister Jack]

Fuck that guy. People like that just make life way too complicated. No offense but your friend sounds like a bitch. You can do better.

[Nexus]

I agree with the above.

 

If you feel you're in the right, then people like that aren't worth knowing.

 

He sounds like one of those people who just "take take takes" until it doesn't go his way, before kicking off. Those people are a waste of space.

 

He'll need you before you need him. Guaranteed. You have the girlfriend and the life. He doesn't.

[MasterDex]

I have to agree with everyone else. From what you've said, it appears your friend is at fault. We're all human so even best friends are going to lose the rag with each other from time to time. The sign of a good friendship is being able to set that shit aside and if you're in the wrong, being able to man up and admit it. I'd consider myself very passionate about the values and principles I hold so there can be times when I get pissed off with friends and become aggresive but if I go too far, I admit it and I apologize, like any good friend should do.

 

The ball's in his court now, leave him be or make sure he knows it. If he's a friend worth keeping, he'll apologize for his behaviour.

[ChiltonGaines]

In short, I agree with everyone else here. I'm sure it will hurt, because I've considered ending things with my best friend in the past. Luckily, I ended up not needing to, but still, it sucks to think of. However, you've done all you could it sounds like, even being kind and cool-headed where many would not, and he has still been abusive and horrible. You've got to get away from that type of person.

 

I guess if it's hard, just clearly tell them you're done with them for good, but say it in a way as to not cut off any chance of future comm. if he gets his shit together.

[madbassman39]

I appreciate all the support guys. I agree with all of you to just let things happen. The ball is in his court and he needs to fix the friendship if he has any value in it now. I don't think things will be the same between us due to what he had said about me as a friend, some of which may not seem like a lot to some people, but I value my friends more then anything else. We have been friends for nearly 10 years, so it's going to be rough loosing him as a friend.

[Enervation]

No respect for human life, huh.

 

I don't know about you, but I'd take that as a compliment. It takes a lot of balls to think of your fellow human beings as statistics and commodities rather than, well, people.

 

Otherwise, I don't see his point. He's being really stupid with that essay of his (and only one class? He couldn't POSSIBLY be considered a full time student, and where's he getting his money?), and even stupider by getting angry at you for your opinion. If he doesn't value your opinion, it's highly likely he values you as a person and a friend even less.

 

Just cut and run. My 2 cents says hes probably crazy and/or mentally disturbed.

[TheFlyingGerbil]

I don't know if you can do this but you need to try and find out if the behaviour is a function of depression or innate to his character. Did you know him before his depression and was he nicer then?

 

One of the traits of depression is self-destruction which can take the form of ruining the good things in your life because you feel you don't deserve them. In this instance it has focused on your friendship.

 

If you think he is just a bad person you can put something like this in an email: "I put a lot of effort into our friendship and don't feel I get that back. I was OK with that when I thought you appreciated it but if you don't there is no reason for me to expend that effort. I you want to put the effort in too or just realise and appreciate what I've done then I'd love for you to contact me."

 

If however you think he is a good person but that is masked by a genuine depressive illness then it is more complicated. While you could just say it's not worth the effort, and you could certainly be forgiven as you have done more than may be expected of you, do remember depression is a disease: how would you react to a friend with cancer when they needed you? That might sound overly dramatic but if he is suffering from real depression it's how you've got to think about it if you want to help him get through it. It will help you put up with his crap if there's a person worth helping at the end of it.

 

You would of course have to explain that to him too. i.e. you think he has some problems he needs help with but you're not able and it's not fair to put it all on your shoulders but if he is willing to try and sort things out your would be willing to help him. If you laid out what you think the matter is and how you think his life might be better in the future, hopefully he can see what he is doing and stop before he pushing someone away who can help him down the right path. It would have to be his decision if he wants to get help but you should make it clear you would leave the door open for him if he shows willing.

 

Anyway. Hope some of that helps but only you can know what feels like the right thing to do. You sound like a good guy if you are concerned enough to worry about him and to have it upset you so you have to feel that whatever decision you come to (and ultimately that he comes to also) you made it from a good place and that is the best that you can do.

 

Joe

[Gigawings]

Friendship huh? I just got out from a bad friendship experience, I too (used to) have a best friend, a gaming best friend too. Spending hours playing various games, watching and commenting movies with great meanings in it, getting stupid after watching Kung-Pow movie (laughing like an idiot for hours), looking for an asshole who owed me money, and saving up money to buy a PS2 (that in turn owned by me after I can save up money to pay my other half).

 

Then everything change, he got introduced to the nightlife, fast women (if you know what I mean) really make him stupid, spending hundreds if not thousands for them is a stupid move.

 

then he start stealing money, gone AWOL from his job, he borrow lots of money from his friends including me and steal my PS2 and the final nail in the coffin is he steal his own mother life saving, he vanish afterward.

 

Tbh, I'm no longer angry at him, but he left his own mother and sister in deep monetary problem and I frown upon that, i hope he'll return to his family and ask his mother for forgiveness, for God sake she's the one who give birth to you man, you ungrateful bastard.

[Gigawings]

snip

 

Sometimes we have to decide to move out from a bad friendship, sometimes it's hard, but if you can do that, and being mature about it, you can go on about your life again.

 

Stand tall and proud, and don't bring anger with you, heck, put up your smile when you meet him again, maybe you no longer his best friend, but you still see him as a human being.

[muddymoo]

Did he ever explain to you why you were a bad friend to him?

[madbassman39]

@ everyone, again thanks for all the support and advice. Like I said, I'm just going to let this run its course. If he wants to repair it then I am all ears, but I am personally too offended by what he said to email him and try to rehash things.

 

@muddymoo, he said that I had disrespected him as a friend and not put enough energy into our friendship. I think he was upset because of me not being available that day we wanted to play BC2 together, and he just got angry at me for that. He said that our friendship had revolved only around playing that "bullshit game he has grown tired of playing", and that I cannot even give him the decency to respect him in that. That statement right there had irritated me for the last few days. If to him that was all our friendship revolved around then I guess we weren't as good of friends as I thought, because just two weeks ago he and I were hanging out, like we always did, and I had come to his house, driven him around where he wanted to go, helped him with advice on this girl he kind of liked and we did a little bit of a workout together. Honestly in that one day I would say that our friendship was deeper then playing one bullshit game together, and for him to say that was a slap in the face to me.

 

@theflyinggerbil, I don't really know for sure if he is suffering from depression, but his constant mood swings make me believe he is. Especially since two days before our falling out a mutual friend of ours had stopped over at his place unexpected and they some how got on the conversation of me, and she said that he said great things about me, with no indication of any anger. I do not really know depression and how it works, but from what I do know these are symptoms of depression. I will be there to support him if he needs it, but like I said before, we wont be the same friends we were a week ago. Somethings said can't be taken back, no matter what the situation. We may, if given the chance, overcome what had happened between us but that will take some time for the wounds to heal.

[muddymoo]

I really wouldn't call that explaining to you why you weren't a good friend to him. Sounds like he's just trying to make up random excuses.

 

But, having said that, normally I'd say "yeah, screw this person, he's obviously retarded" except things do get a little bit more complicated if you're suspecting whether he's depressed or not. You start questioning whether it's because he's depressed and whether you should just take his shit and try to help him anyway or ... do what most normal people do and have him spiral even further into darkness.

 

... Yes, I'm here to create more questions for you. Maybe you can, very seriously and sincerely, ask him if he's okay or possibly depressed, while leaving aside all his and your problems. I don't know, give him a 'last chance to rectify any problems he may have with you and/or himself'. It's just, sometimes for depressed people, all it takes is for the right person to ask the right question at the right time.

[Little Pirate]

Sounds like your friend has serious issues. Maybe he's going through some serious depression and feels he should cut himself off from his friends. I agree with everything else, though. If he's more trouble than he is fun to be around and he just throws your friendship in your face--cut yourself off from him. Maybe he'll wise up or maybe he'll not talk to you again. But you really shouldn't bend over backwards for a person who considers you bad. I was in a situation like your friend once where I was so depressed I felt I didn't deserve friends so I stopped talking to them.

 

In the end it's up to you what you choose to do with your friend here. Just don't wear yourself out.

Edited March 4, 2011 by LittlePirate

[madbassman39]

@muddymoo

 

Creating more questions is not an issue for me. I am constantly asking doing the same for myself, and I find that even though no new answers rise up I do feel as if things have put into a better perspective for me. Honestly I don't really know what I'm going to do, I feel like I shouldn't really leave him hanging and feel I should just ask him if everything is alright, but I don't want him to feel like I'm just doing it to prove that I am a good friend to him because he said I wasn't. My girlfriend and him are on decent terms so I asked her to, when she can find some spare time, see how he is doing and maybe help him.

 

@LittlePirate

 

What I am concerned about is maybe he wont wise up, maybe he does truly resent me, to which he won't accept my help. I also am still too upset at the moment to really go back and try to get things working out. I don't really want to jump in yet and start getting into the whole what I did wrong as a friend to him, and vise versa. I would like some of your personal experience though, as in how did you over come your depression and did you ever fix things up with your friends. If you don't want to answer I understand, I just have never really known anyone to suffer from depression and I want to know how someone who is depressed thinks so I can actually not be an idiot if I decide to rehash things.