Hor-Rate-tio

[Hot Heart]

 

Just found these on my laptop. Started this last year when I didn't have regular internet access for three months and was watching lots of TV boxsets.

 

These are basically little (and hopefully humorous) reviews of Horatio Caine's opening lines for CSI: Miami episodes (even when they are not said by him...)

 

I was going to start a little blog thing for them but I couldn't think of a decent name (see thread title for proof) and I figured I might as well share what I did here. I'll post a few to get started and then I may share some more if people want them.

 

 

1.01 - Golden Parachute

 

So, we open the show with a plane crash into the Everglades. While searching the area, Horatio and Delko find a man in the water. Delko struggles in vain to revive him but has to be told to stop, by Horatio.

 

‘He’s gone.’

‘I lost him.’

‘It happens.’

‘He could’ve told us something.’

‘We don’t need him to. We’ve got the whole story right here.’

 

I’m giving Horatio a two here, simply, because he has made some allusion to how they are crime scene investigators who will figure the whole thing out. It’s not witty but then it’s probably not meant to be (he doesn‘t even fiddle with the sunglasses). And it’s certainly not clever; seeing as, technically, the whole story is not right there: the CSIs find they have to visit a victim’s home and speak to her mother (Tsk, tsk. That‘s cheating, guys!). This isn’t helped by the fact that when Horatio says ‘right here’ he’s not exactly being specific; not enough for a CSI determining a crime scene, you might say. Does he mean the entirety of the Everglades? If so, why does he then initially brush off the call that another body has been found two miles away? (Tut, tut!)

 

2/10

 

 

 

1.02 - Losing Face

 

Things aren’t going well so far for Horatio. His first opener wasn’t exactly dynamite and now, while he doesn’t have anything to say, there is a literal explosion. Horatio doesn’t even recognise the hackneyed dialogue about ‘having to catch up later’ with his former bomb squad mentor before he heads off to defuse a bomb. Nope, Horatio sends the guy off to clichéd death…

 

It doesn’t get better later as Horatio mentions a discovery he has made about the unidentified bomb maker:

 

‘This guy is a show-off.’

‘How can you get that from a bomb?’

 

Yes, folks, how indeed can you discern that someone who makes difficult to defuse, booby-trapped bombs to wrap around live people’s necks is a show-off? (More the fool me. Apparently, it’s in the twist of the wires…)

 

No score (although, I’m giving the title an 8/10 because the collar bombs do blow off the front of the victim’s head, and it turns out the bomber is getting revenge for a figurative loss of face). Apparently, the shock from an explosion turns a person’s insides into jelly, so ‘Exploded to Jelly’ would’ve been a good title also.

 

 

1.03 - Wet Foot/Dry Foot

 

‘Well, let me ask you a question. You find human body parts in a shark…is that murder?’

‘It is when we’re looking for lead.’

 

I’m starting to get the impression that Horatio isn’t even trying. Here, we have an arm attached to a bit of chest that has been found in the belly of a shark and the best he can do is question whether it’s murder while allowing Megan to get the final line. Indeed, Megan, who has spotted a bullet wound in the victim’s chest (section), contributes that second line when moments before she’d already said ‘At least we have a hand’ without a hint of humour (we can only discern that she‘s pleased about getting fingerprints). Twice! Twice, she failed to deliver a decent line. All she’s done is confirm that, yes, it turns out they are most certainly going to investigate what the show has already spent the first five minutes establishing. I get that they might not always personally investigate if a crime scene is not involved (he says…) but are they suggesting they won’t get out of bed for anything less than murder? It’s a freaking arm in a shark! Somebody’s got to be missing, at least…

 

Anyway, back to the actual line, I guess Horatio didn’t give Megan the greatest set-up but here are just a few possible responses which not only get across that the person had been shot but also supply the required wit:

 

‘This gunshot wound suggests that perhaps…they bit off more than they could chew.’

Or…

‘Evidence of a gunshot signifies that this is a case…we can sink our teeth into.’

Or…

‘Well, this bullet wound means murder wouldn’t be a shot…in the shark.’ (See, I substituted ‘shark’ for ‘dark’. It’s a pun)

Or even…

‘That all depends on whether sharks…can shoot guns!’

 

No score. Stupid Megan!

 

 

 

p.s. Feel free to suggest names for this or leave any feedback.

[SomTervo]

Haha, the third one is brilliant. Well played, a blog satirising/ reviewing lots of stupid shows would be great.

 

We should start one.

 

[Hot Heart]

Here are more. Just for you, Kenshi!

 

1.04 - Just One Kiss

 

 

The team have found a dead man on the beach, stabbed in the neck, while a still living but battered woman has been taken to the hospital. They have established that the set of footprints left by the male victim means he was heading away from the incident, leading them to wonder…

 

‘Why kill a guy who’s running from the scene?’

‘Yes. Therein lies the rub, my friends. But the evidence, as always, will speak for itself.’

 

I’m giving Horatio a big, fat zero out of ten for this. Firstly, he’s already repeating himself from episode one by mentioning how the evidence will tell the story. Exactly who is he saying this for? I’m pretty sure his fellow crime scene investigators know what their job is. (I’m beginning to suspect Horatio just likes sounding smug…)

 

Secondly, Horatio has answered either a very stupid or rhetorical question; neither of which should demand a response. Why kill someone who’s running away from what looks like attempted murder? Hell, what if he was the intended target and was trying to escape?!

 

I can only hope that Megan was merely inviting her colleague to offer possible scenarios on why this man had been murdered but Horatio chose to mess with her as retaliation for her prior criticism of him following hunches before evidence…which happened in episode one…which Horatio’s line echoes. Oh my god, if that is his intention, it is genius! It also fits that he’s bitter over the previous episode, in which she stole the opening line and delivered a right dud; when I clearly demonstrated there were a multitude of great alternatives, I think you’ll agree.

 

I am, therefore, undecided. Horatio is either a 0/10 dumbass or a 10/10 deadpan prankster.

 

 

1.05 - Ashes To Ashes

 

 

A priest has been found shot dead, leading Megan to pose the following question and Horatio to respond:

 

‘Who would want to kill a priest?’

‘Nowadays? Anyone.’

 

This one has me mystified. Has Horatio been conducting ongoing surveys (‘Would you kill a priest? If so, why?’) and noticed an alarming trend as of late? Does he have his finger on the pulse of public/clergy relations? Perhaps he figures that everyone is now under the impression that all priests are child-molesters. I’m not sure which sounds most plausible.

 

Alternatively, is Horatio trolling Megan, once again? Seeing as she’d been off work for six months (following her husband’s death), Horatio felt he would inform her how out of touch she really is. In this case, with regards to the prevailing public attitude towards the church. You cold, cold bastard, Horatio.

 

I’m giving this a 5/10 to be safe.

 

[deanb]

I'm with Kenshi, this stuff is great Tumblr material.

[excel_excel]

This stuff is gold. Pure gold. All of them are great but the other shark lines made me lol so hard

[Hot Heart]

Thanks, guys! Glad you like them.

 

Some more.

 

1.06 - Broken

 

When a child is found dead in the handicap bathroom of a kids’ restaurant, Horatio and co. are called in to investigate. Fortunately for the CSIs, the moment the girl was reported missing by her mother, the place went into lockdown; making it likely that the guilty party is still in the building. Horatio and a detective survey the group of people currently detained.

 

‘Fifty witnesses.’

‘Hm. Fifty suspects.’

 

Horatio is trying a little too hard here. The detective has made a simple observation as to the number of people that may (or should) have seen something while Horatio has tried to flip it round into something clever. If we assume this figure includes employees, it’s safe to say that at least a third are children. Is he really so bitter and jaded that he believes a child could be responsible for what he must already know to be the work of a paedophile? Come on!

 

And when you take into account that, out of that fifty, only one was a solid suspect (and it wasn’t him!); which is just a mere 2% of Horatio‘s initial estimate.

 

Ultimately, this can only lead me to award this a 0.2/10

 

 

1.07 - Breathless

 

Horatio has arrived at the garden of a house where a party had taken place the night before. A young guy has been found dead and naked (although, with his male parts handily concealed…wouldn’t want an undignified death now, would we?).

 

‘Any sign of what killed him?’

‘I was hoping you could tell me.’

‘Well…I guess we can’t rule out exposure.’

 

Now, this is more like it! It looks like Horatio is starting to get the hang of things now. He’s not yet perfected the ‘pause in the middle of the sentence to take sunglasses off/put sunglasses back on’ move but it’s early days; at least, here, he removes them and kneels before delivering his line.

 

What I like most is that although we discover Horatio clearly feels sorry for the guy as the episode develops, he is not going to pass up the opportunity to make quips about a dead naked dude. I mean, he’s barely even looked at the guy to first check that he’d not been stabbed a bajillion times in the back or that there wasn’t a bullet wound or two concealed behind those conveniently placed blankets (akin to ‘arm in a shark’ from 1.03). It’s not like the ME, Alexx, was there already or that the detectives should have been moving the body around. You’ve just got to admire Horatio’s chutzpah (and that‘s not a word I use lightly…or often). When life hands you a dead dude with no clothes on: make wisecracks. That and make sure you have a damn good alibi.

 

9/10.

 

Ps. The victim is called Noel Peach. If that’s not a great name, I don’t know what is. Also, his initials can stand for ‘nicotine poisoning’? OMG! Mine are G.C. I could die from ‘gratuitous chafing‘? (In a good way, obviously).

 

 

1.08 - Slaughterhouse

 

The CSIs are contacted when a toddler is discovered, covered in blood, wandering aimlessly down a street.

 

‘There’s not a scratch on her.’

‘Well, the blood had to come from somewhere, didn’t it? My guess is that someone close to this child is either dead…or dying.’

 

Well, Horatio gets 10/10 for ‘stating the obvious’ but, alas, that’s not what these scores are for. His forensic knowledge has told him that if someone has lost that much blood then there’s a good chance they’re dead, but he is also hinting at a race against time to find this person and perhaps save their life. Little does he know that this is a TV show (and one that is not Without A Trace). No way are they going to figure out where this kid came from only to find someone who had an accident with a tin-opener. Nor are they going to find a single live person and then work out who did this to them. Evidence must tell the story; Horatio has already mentioned this. We want dead bodies and, by gosh, we’re gonna get them! Though I appreciate Horatio trying to toy with our expectations and, to his credit, he was right: one person was dying, and they managed to save them. Of course, they found the crime scene by analysing stuff like sunburn on the kid and whatever crap was stuck to its feet. I’m not perturbed by how the evidence was processed in record time (that's a given by now) but that this child walked freaking miles...

 

I’m giving this a merciful 3/10.

 

[P4: Gritty Reboot]

These are classic. I demand MOAR!

[Hot Heart]

And you shall have MOAR

 

1.09 - Kill Zone

 

 

A shooting during morning rush hour leaves three people dead. Horatio spots that the wounds are placed in the head around the ‘kill zone’ but he is invited to give a further assessment:

 

‘So, how do three people get shot in broad daylight on a busy street and nobody sees anything?’

‘Sniper.’

 

Sniper? I hardly know ‘er! Sorry…

 

So, yes, like last episode we have Captain Obvious. But again, we’re getting a possible hint at what’s in-store. For starters, how do you catch a sniper who’s possibly miles away?! With lasers? No way! (Yes, way. But those boring lasers that don’t explode people or planets. Boooo!)

 

I’m gonna be honest, I’m very disappointed with Horatio here. I can’t imagine Miami gets many batshit nutso snipers, so an opportunity like this is not be missed. He’ll crack wise about naked dead guys out in the sun (I bet they’re ten a penny) but not a dangerous gunman who picks victims almost at random?

 

0/10.

 

 

 

1.10 - A Horrible Mind

 

 

After a dead man is found stripped, numerous wounds apparent all over his body, tied in ropes and hung up a tree , Horatio and Detective Bernstein discuss the likely scenarios. Thing is, they’ve already ruled out the possibility of it being auto-erotic because of the violence involved, or suicide, due to the knots in the ropes.

 

‘So, where’s this leave us now?’.

‘Up a tree.’

 

Phew! I was beginning to think Horatio had forgotten what he was supposed to be doing and would simply answer ‘It means we’ll have to look at the evidence in greater detail to determine what happened here and who is responsible’. And if past examples are anything to go by, there was a good chance he would say something to that effect.

 

Fortunately, he’s got the sunglasses of wisecracking with him and he’s not afraid to use them; slipping them on as his hands go to his hips and he delivers the line. You see, he’s managed to reference the literal presence of a body up a tree with the figure of speech to mean in a difficult or tricky situation! Of course, he’s only pretending. He’s a CSI: he wouldn’t be stumped so easily (ahahahaha!). But I’ll have to mark him down a point for sacrificing integrity; them’s the breaks.

 

I’m gonna give Bernstein credit for the ‘leave’ pun (even if it’s really ‘leaf’). I like that guy.

 

9/10 for Horatio and 7/10 for Bernstein (and an 8/10 for me).

 

 

Edited April 6, 2011 by Hot Heart

[excel_excel]

Love it man. MORE. MORE. and I hope Bernstein makes more appearances, maybe your like will turn to.....love?

[Hot Heart]

Bernstein is the man. Shame he's not in these next two though. Probably could've used him.

 

1.11 - Camp Fear

 

 

Alexx and Detective De Santa are looking at a young girl's corpse found out by a road in the countryside.

 

‘I’ve got double lividity. Her blood settled twice. She’s been moved.’

‘Then it’s a body dump.’

‘So, we are in search...of a crime scene.’

 

I like that Adell has to clarify it’s a body dump. For a moment, I was worried the dead girl had, perhaps, suffered a minor case of ’being a zombie’ and walked or hitchhiked her way there.

 

But on to Horatio’s contribution, I’m none too pleased. Now, I’m no expert on the subject, but I’m pretty sure moving and dumping (hell, any kind of tampering with) dead bodies is still a crime; so, they already have a crime scene. What they are after is a murder scene. But a crime scene should suffice. After all, they’re in a show called ‘CSI: Miami’ not ‘MSI: Miami’ and that sounds like a disease or ‘Missy Miami’, which is clearly a porn star name. Also, don’t ever tell Horatio that you can pronounce his show’s name as ‘Sissy Miami’ (I bet there is already a porn star called ‘Sissy Vegas’) because he’s seen enough messed up stuff there to tell you different, and he would probably punch you too. Right in the nose. Yes, folks, Miami is tough! There are bombers, snipers, people hung up trees, planes crashing and what must be a growing trend of priests being shot! It even has killer leeches, and I don’t mean ’killer’ like surfer-speak.

 

Anyway, back on point. They are in search of a murder scene and how do they find it? By ‘crime scene investigating’ what they have there. Overall, Horatio went with an obvious response and still wound up looking a fool. Could do better!

 

0/10.

 

 

 

1.12 - Entrance Wound

 

 

Horatio is at a hotel room where a naked, dead woman has been found underneath the bed. The detective there mentions she’s been identified and has prior charges for prostitution.

 

‘Looks like she was working the street.’

‘Not anymore.’

 

Where’s Bernstein? I don’t recognise this detective and clearly he has no idea who Horatio is. He’s already established she was most likely prostituting herself; either give Horatio a better line to work with or keep your mouth shut! But we’re not here to judge this idiot. No. Congratulations must go to Horatio for recognising that people tend to cease doing things when they’re dead. Working, breathing, walking, talking; these are verbs or ‘doing’ words. Upon death, not many of these apply to corpses; only basics like decomposing and smelling bad. Who said these weren’t informative?

 

Now, being inside, Horatio can’t turn to his magic sunglasses; but maybe they wouldn’t have helped. Could simply be the case that, like the victim, he got up…on the wrong side of the bed. Boom! Uh, I mean, YEEEAAAAAH!

 

0/10. (9/10 for me. I had to deduct a point because I said corpses don’t ‘do’ things and ‘getting up’ is a one of those)

 

[Hot Heart]

BAM! Another appears.

 

1.13 - Bunk

 

 

After a man has followed his cat into a strange, open and unoccupied house (like you do) on his street, he succumbs to poisonous fumes. When the man’s girlfriend is spotted unconscious nearby and paramedics cannot penetrate the vapours in order to enter the property, Horatio and Speedle arrive to assess the situation.

 

‘All those chemicals they use in clandestine drug labs; there’s no telling what’s (all?) in there.’

‘Then we better figure it out and we better get it contained before more people die.’

 

I’ve got to give credit to Speedle: he manages to add a superfluous word into his sentence while simultaneously sounding like he’s trying to swallow it. And I kinda wish he had. But I’ll forgive him. He’s only doing his job and he hasn’t had much practice setting Horatio up.

 

Onto Horatio, and it looks like he’s in a real slump. You can’t just say what you’re going to do but jazz it up because ‘there are lives at stake!’. Gas men don’t go ‘We’d better stop this gas leak before there is a massive explosion and LOADS OF PEOPLE DIE’.

 

If he were British, he could have done something with the expression ‘Safe as houses’ but there is no CSI: Barnsley. Not that I’m implying Barnsley is notorious for drug dens (I bet it is though).

 

1/10. Purely because he at least tried to add some sense of urgency.

 

 

[Hot Heart]

I'm gonna have to start writing more very soon. But some of the openers were pretty dire and not in a very funny way...

 

1.14 - Forced Entry

 

 

Inside the bedroom of a well-furnished house lies a dead man. He’s face down on the bed, tied up and gagged. Detective Bernstein explains the situation to Horatio, who has spotted a further detail...

 

‘Vic had to know the killer. I had my guys check the perimeter. No signs of forced entry.’

‘Oh...I wouldn’t be too sure about that.’

 

At last! A decent bum rape joke I can get behind...no, wait...let me start again.

 

It’s good to see Horatio back on track. And who else do we have to thank? My main man, Bernstein! These guys need some sort of sitcom or sketch show, I reckon. Bernstein sets ‘em up and Horatio knocks ‘em out the park. Although, I may have messed up that baseball analogy, since the pitcher is on the opposite team (not a gay joke) to the batter. Oh, well, live and learn!

 

I’m happy that Horatio doesn’t balk at joking about all manner of topics. It seems, if there’s a partially-dressed or naked victim then you can expect some great lines from Horatio. And it turns out we don’t really have to feel sorry for this victim anyway, so all is well.

 

10/10.

 

[Hot Heart]

Been working on some more but I've been a bit busy. Sorry, guys.

 

1.15 - Dead Woman Walking

 

 

On a public walkway not far from a train station, the team have found what appears to be a dead junkie. Only thing is, he has a hypodermic syringe with ten times the capacity you might normally find. But we know that the CSIs don’t just investigate OD victims, let’s hope someone clarifies what’s going on...

 

‘Junkie or not...somebody killed this man.’

 

Oh, Horatio...why did you put the sunglasses back on in the middle of that sentence? This clearly was not worthy. You get your first unequivocal 10/10 and you think you can coast now? Although, it’s nice to know that he isn’t going to let any old death escape his notice. You bleeding heart, you.

 

It’s interesting to note that he looks skyward when he delivers his line. For all we know, he could be accusing God of striking down this drug-user. But then there’s no evidence of that. Clearly he’s either looking for the perpetrator, who may be in a nearby tree, or is looking to God for help. I think it’s safe to say that nobody knows the true inner workings of Horatio’s mind.

 

0/10.

 

[P4: Gritty Reboot]

Horatio's averaging just a tick over 2.5/10... he better pick up the pace!

[Hot Heart]

And I don't think it's going to improve...

 

Although some of the later ones are more N/A or No score. But I won't ruin anything.

[Hot Heart]

I put it in a status update but I figured I'd get a tumblr thing up and going. Not sure of the ins and outs of one but it seems like a(n even) simpler-to-update blog.

http://hor-rate-tio.tumblr.com/

Will try and update regularly.

[Hot Heart]

A new one!

http://hor-rate-tio.tumblr.com/post/18910363817/1-16-evidence-of-things-unseen

[Hot Heart]

OMG LOOK ANOTHER ONE

http://hor-rate-tio.tumblr.com/post/26288785734/1-17-simple-man