Chewblaha

Next we move on to... INSTANT SPELLS: INSTANTS CAN BE PLAYED DURING ANY TIME THROUGHOUT THE GAME. INSTANTS GO ON THE PROVERBIAL STACK. THE STACK is a Magic reference to the correct order in which cards have been played. During your turn, you have priority on the stack. PRIORITY is the ability to play whatever you want before someone else will play something. As in your opponent cannot cast any instant spells or abilities during your turn unless you take an action. When you tap your shitty forest, they can use their instant in response. So here's how it goes: Randy McNuttbutter (that's you) has priority. Randy is going to be a dumbass and play Overrun before declaring attackers. In response to Randy's playing of Overrun, Lady McHotass plays doom blade on your shitty creature you were pumping up with Overrun. Declaring attackers would also give Lady McHotass the ability to play her Doom Blade. An opponent can cast Instants/Interrupts or play abilities at the end of each phase during your turn. That is if you don't do anything during your upkeep, then they can play something at the end of upkeep. If your Main Phase ends, they can play something (Remember: Declaring attackers is the start of combat phase). When your Second Main phase ends, the END STEP takes place, in which the other player can do anything they want that is classified at instant speed (the aforementioned Instant/Interrupt cards or abilities). ABILITIES from creatures count as instants. If your opponent casts lightning bolt during your turn (after you have taken an action), killing your shitty Llanowar Elf, then you can say "in response, I'll tap my Llanowar elf for his one mana, and then he dies." That is the stack. If you are about to lose a land, you can always just tap it for mana to spite your opponent before it is blown up. INSTANTS CAN BE PLAYED AT ANY TIME. DO NOT LET ANYONE LIE TO YOU AND TELL YOU OTHERWISE. SORCERY SPELLS: These can be played only during your main phases, NOT during combat. Equipments usually will require you to equip them to creatures as sorceries. Equipment cards will no longer remind you that they can only be equipped as a sorcery spell. Remember this. Speaking of that...: ARTIFACT CARDS. There are two kinds, artifacts: Artifact creatures: and the aforementioned equipment. All are permanents and are rather self explanatory. Moving on. ENCHANTMENTS. Enchantments are permanents that stay on the board until they are destroyed or removed by another enchantment. Or until their purpose is finally fulfilled (IE If a creature with an aura dies, then the enchantment dies too). There are two kinds of enchantments: Regular ones... http://www.coolstuff...pered-steel.jpg ...and Auras, which are just creature or land enchantments. Some are destroyed by instants like Naturalize or Tranquility. That's about it. All enchantments are self-explanatory. Except for that one. Last, but not least. PLANESWALKERS. AKA, STICK A BROOM UP YOUR BUNGHOLE TIME. Each planeswalker starts off with a set number of "life," as displayed in the bottom corner. Their abilities either add to, or take away from their life. Usually people will pump the shit out of a planeswalker in order to use their final, ultra-molest spell. PLANESWALKERS can be used IMMEDIATELY as they are put into the battlefield. They can be used ONLY DURING THE OWNER'S TURN. Planeswalkers are SEPARATE ENTITIES WHILE IN PLAY. THEY ARE PERMANENTS, YES, BUT ARE NOT CREATURES. To deal damage to a planeswalker, you must DIRECTLY ATTACK A PLANESWALKER. Whether it's with creatures, sorceries, or instants, that's up to you. Treat them like another player that's essentially helping out your opponent in the defacing of your ass. One other way to kill a planeswalker. See that Jace I just linked to right now? That's a fucking Ewok compared to super Jace. Seriously read that shit. Also known as "Harvester of Your Ass," this Jace will probably eat you and then shit you out, just so he can put you in a bag and light you on fire, only to end up putting you on someone's doorstep. See, there is one weakness to all planeswalkers. Any planeswalker with the same name. As different as they are, they are still the same person. Jace Beleren IS Jace the Mind Sculptor. Having two Planeswalkers out with the same name will immediately kill BOTH. Chandra Nalaar will kill Chandra Ablaze. Elspeth Tirel will kill Elspeth The Protector. Tezzeret the Seeker will kill Tezzeret, Agent of Bolas. That is their main weakness. Seriously did you read that fucking Mind Sculptor? You're it's Needa to it's Vader. Beware that card. That's about all I can think of now. I think I covered just about all the basics you need to know. Hope you get laid or some shit from my advice. Same for the rest of you who start playing this to meet chicks. Can't believe I just wrote that line.

Now. We get down to what magic is all about. The damn cards. The most important card? LAND. LAND There are two kinds of land. BASIC AND NON-BASIC. MANA comes from LANDS. Basic Land: ISLANDS. PLAINS. MOUNTAINS. SWAMPS. FORESTS. Nonbasic Land: CRACK LANDS, DUAL LANDS, QUICK DUAL LANDS, LANDS LIKE THIS THAT BONE YOU. You tap your lands for MANA. You untap your lands during your draw step. But what IS mana, you ask? CREATURES: Now before I get into creatures, you need to know one thing about them. Unless creatures have HASTE, they CANNOT TAP OR ATTACK UNTIL YOUR TURN, AND YOUR OPPONENT'S NEXT TURN HAS PASSED. They CAN block, however. Here is the Baneslayer Angel. I will use this card as much as possible to explain everything. THE TOP RIGHT: THE TWO SUNS and circle with the three in it.. THAT IS MANA REQUIREMENT. The two suns represent WHITE MANA. MANA GENERATED BY PLAINS. Blue mana will be a water drop, red a firebolt, black a skull, and green a tree. The number there is colorless mana. AKA ANY KIND OF MANA. Remember though! Counters can come at any time, especially the fucking mana leak. ALWAYS look to see how much LAND your opponent has untapped. The name in the top left. The CREATURE TYPE under the picture. Some cards offer many bonuses to creature types. Some let knights, goblins, vampires, kor, soldiers, all that stuff, some let them get extra power for defense or for attack. Everything is different. The picture directly to the right of that? That's the symbol for the MAGIC 2010 block. AKA the set it came from. This should not be important for her, hopefully. Now. The text will come at the end. Let me point you to those numbers in the bottom corner first. 5/5. Five attack, five defense. Defense obviously represents how much damage that beast can take. Five represents how much it deals out. Five kills four and lower, but not six. Some cards gain bonuses and can always be pumped up and shit with stuff like the aforementioned Giant Growth. Creatures can take three damage in combat, and then suffer that damage. After combat, they can STILL BE KILLED by damage dealing cards. Another thing, when that NUMBER on the right of the slash reaches ZERO for any reason whatsoever, that creature dies. If you have a creature that does five damage, and a creature that has one defense blocks it, it does not mean only one damage is done. All five damage is done. All damage is done. You see many words here. FLYING: ONLY OPPONENTS WITH FLYING CAN BLOCK CREATURES WITH FLYING. SOME CREATURES WILL HAVE REACH, THIS ALLOWS THEM TO BLOCK FLYING CREATURES IN COMBAT AS WELL, BUT DO NOT ATTACK AS THOUGH THEY HAD FLYING. DEFENDER: DEFENDER CARDS CAN ONLY BLOCK! HOLY I FORGOT ABOUT TRAMPLE. TRAMPLE Creatures with Trample deal damage that passes through defense. If your 5/5 has trample and a 1/1 blocks it, then the player will still take four damage. HOWEVER, you can block one creature with multiple ones. Five 1/1's will negate a 5/5 trample and kill it. UNLESS SPECIFIED, CREATURES CAN ONLY BLOCK ONE CREATURE. VIGILANCE: YOU DO NOT NEED TO TAP YOUR CARD TO ATTACK. FIRST STRIKE: In combat. First strike means that the creature with first strike does damage first during combat. So if you have a 2/2 in combat and it is blocked by a 2/2, then whichever has first strike will do damage first, killing the other creature and keeping your alive. In an event where two creatures have first strike attack/block each other, then they negate each other and both die. DOUBLE STRIKE: You have the same power as first strike, but you attack twice. AKA a 2/2 will have first strike and deal four damage after double strike. LIFELINK: ANY DAMAGE YOU DO TO ANYTHING WITH YOUR CREATURES gains life for YOU. DEATHTOUCH: Any damage done to any creature by a creature with deathtouch immediately kills the receiver of damage. Damage must be direct though, not something like (this creature gave this other one +2/+2). INFECT: Instead of dealing direct damage, creatures deal damage in the form of -1/-1 counters to other creatures, and poison counters to human players. When you reach ten poison counters, you're dead. FLASH: THIS CREATURE MAY BE PLAYED AS THOUGH IT WAS AN INSTANT meaning you can PLAY IT WHENEVER YOU WANT. HASTE: CREATURES do not have summoning sickness and can attack and tap on the turn they come out and can tap during the opponents next turn. INDESTRUCTIBLE: The only way your creature can die is if it's power (the number on the right of the slash) is at 0. Land usually is unable to be destroyed. Just remember: ALL INDESTRUCTIBLE PERMANENTS ARE STILL SUBJECT TO EXILE. They can also be sacrificed. LANDWALK: Creatures with landwalk (I.E. Islandwalk and shit) cannot be blocked by the opposing player if THEY CONTROL A LAND OF THE SAME TIME AS SPECIFIED IN THE LANDWALK. PROTECTION: PROTECTION is incredibly important and fucking annoying. If you have a card that is pro red (short for protection from red) then no red cards may TARGET it or BLOCK IT. However, if you are pro white (sound so bad saying that), you can still be affected by a card like DAY OF JUDGEMENT, which does not target creatures to destroy, but rather just fucking destroys all creatures. You can also be targeted by cards like JOURNEY TO NOWHERE or OBLIVION RING, which all come into play first, AND THEN their effect jumps into the proverbial "air" and attaches to a creature. HOWEVER: As long as the ability of a creature does not require it to tap, you can use it the first turn, no matter what. Those are activated, non-tap abilities. ACTIVATED ABILITIES FROM CREATURES ARE ALL CONSIDERED INSTANTS. Battle Cry: All other creatures attacking at the same time as a creature with Battle Cry receive +1/+0 Fear: Creatures with fear CAN ONLY BE BLOCKED BY BLACK CREATURES and ARTIFACTS. INTIMIDATE: Creatures with fear CAN ONLY BE BLOCKED BY CREATURES OF THE SAME COLOR OR ARTIFACTS. DON'T GET FEAR AND INTIMIDATE MIXED UP OR YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A JACKHOLE. Edit on 8/24/2011: Forgot about bloodthirst because it was really old and made a comeback: Creatures with Bloodthirst X get +1/+1 counters for the amount of damage that was dealt that turn, where X is equal to the damage dealt. There's also stuff that's useless like Banding and shit. There are many others such as Imprint, which requires you to exile cards, but those are all card specific rules that cannot be explained here. Continued in PART THREE.

Magic the Gathering is a fantasy card game. That's all you need to know. Deal with it. Charizard, I suggest you go out and buy one of these: It's sold at any hobby store where Magic is a big thing. Check your local competitor's place. Before we begin, there are two rules you must always know/follow. First... ALL NONLAND CARDS ARE SPELLS. ALL. NON. LAND. CARDS. ARE. SPELLS. One more time. ALL. NON. LAND. CARDS. ARE. SPELLS. ALWAYS READ YOUR CARDS AS FUCKING CAREFULLY AS POSSIBLE. AND YOU START OFF WITH TWENTY LIFE. Reach zero life? You're dead! Run out of cards to draw? You're dead! Get ten poison counters? You're dead! Someone pulls out a platinum angel and you have no creature removal? You're just embarrassed. ...AND ALL CARDS that are NOT sorceries or instants are considered PERMANENTS. Now we begin! First off: Here's a normal board. It's very boardy. YOU HAVE YOUR HAND Your hand is exactly what it sounds like. You get seven cards per hand, and if you blow fucking ass at shuffling, then you can reshuffle in and get six. If you are playing first after winning the roll (AKA taking the play)...this is very important, YOU DO NOT HAVE A DRAW STEP. This is the disadvantage of playing first. If you choose to play second (AKA taking the draw) then you DO have a draw step. I'll get to that later. YOU MAY ONLY HAVE SEVEN CARDS AT A TIME. If you have MORE, then you MUST (bold that) DISCARD AT THE END OF YOUR TURN. If you get the eighth card during her turn, then you can TOTALLY keep it until the end of your next turn. YOU HAVE YOUR LIBRARY AKA your fucking deck of cards. You should have at least SIXTY. SIX. ZERO. That's the number of cards you need to have at least. If you're a jackass you'll have more than 63. Keep in the range of 60-63. Some cards will require you to shit out your library, making you cry in the process. Others will not. YOU HAVE YOUR GRAVEYARD Discard pile. Back in the day you'd BURY cards (just say "yeah I remember when they used to say 'bury' and not discard" so you can sound like you know what the fuck Magic was). Any cards you sacrifice or discard go here. When your shit ass creatures die (because you WILL LET HER WIN because YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED IN A WHILE) will go here. When she plays a fucking Mind Rot to screw you over, you put the shitty cards from your hand here. The bane of your fucking existence. YOU HAVE THE BATTLEFIELD. When you or your opponent play cards from your respective hands, they go to the battlefield. IF THEY ARE NOT IN THE DECK OR THE GRAVEYARD, OR IN YOUR HAND, THEN THEY ARE ON THE BATTLEFIELD UNLESS EXILED BY A FUCKING JOURNEY TO NOWHERE. CARDS THAT ARE EXILED ARE LITERALLY NOT PART OF THE GAME AT ALL UNTIL CARD RULES ARE COMPLETELY FOLLOWED (AKA: If your creature is exiled because of a Journey to Nowhere, then the Journey to Nowhere must be destroyed in order for that creature to be part of the game. Eight times out of ten, your exiled card is fucked worse than that dude from Deliverance.) LAND goes to the battlefield. CREATURES go to the battlefield. ENCHANTMENTS go to the battlefield. I'M GONNA SIZE THIS UP HERE BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT. ANY CARD YOU PLAY CAN BE COUNTERED. IF THE CARD IS COUNTERED BEFORE IT HITS THE BATTLEFIELD, THEN IT DOES NOT RESOLVE. IF IT DOES NOT RESOLVE, THEN NOTHING WRITTEN ON THE CARD TAKES EFFECT. IF IT IS NOT COUNTERED, THEN IT DOES RESOLVE. NEVER BE A HEADSTRONG DOUCHE AND BELIEVE YOUR CARD IS WRITTEN IN STONE UNTIL IT RESOLVES. THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. THAT IS A COUNTER. BE PREPARED. Other than that, all areas of the board were covered. Here's proper MAGIC ETIQUETTE. Your lands go as close to you as possible. IE, You want your battlefield to look something like this. THE THREE LINE RULE: LIBRARY GOES HERE CREATURES GO ON THIS LINE GRAVEYARD GOES DIRECTLY UNDER ENCHANTMENTS AND NONCREATURE ARTIFACTS TO THE SIDE LAND GOES ON THIS LINE Let me teach you about your turn and the phases during it.. Your turn goes as follows: UPKEEP, DRAW STEP, MAIN PHASE, ATTACK PHASE, SECOND MAIN PHASE: Upkeep (this is where you untap your land and take any actions that might be required of you by cards you have out on the board during this time). It's a simple step that really just means you untap your land and creatures (you MUST do this) and is very straightforward. This card would require you to sacrifice something during your upkeep. EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT A PIZZA ROLL. Draw step: You DRAW YOUR ONE CARD HERE. Unless you're playing extended or some shit (I'll get to that later, not too important at the moment) then you won't have to worry much about drawing more than one card. If you are required to by a card in play though, just draw the two. MAIN PHASE: The main phase is your most important phase. It sets up when you put your LAND, CREATURES, ENCHANTMENTS, AND ARTIFACTS DOWN. YOUR MAIN PHASES ARE THE ONLY TIME YOU ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY SORCERY CARDS.. I will get to all the cards right after this, so don't worry. YOU NEVER WANNA MISS PUTTING LAND DOWN FOR THE TURN UNLESS YOU SUSPECT MASSIVE LAND REMOVAL COMING SOON. THIS IS PRETTY RARE. There is something else incredibly important about main phases that requires bolding and resizing. CREATURES CAN BE PLAYED ONLY DURING THE OWNER'S MAIN PHASE UNLESS IT HAS FLASH. WHEN YOU TAP LAND AND GAIN MANA TO YOUR MANA POOL, YOUR MANA DOES NOT LAST FOR YOUR ENTIRE TURN. MANA POOLS EMPTY AFTER YOU END YOUR MAIN PHASE AS WELL AS YOUR SECOND MAIN PHASE AND DURING YOUR ATTACK PHASE. IF YOU WANNA TRICK THE SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE WITH VINES OF THE VASTWOOD DURING YOUR ATTACK PHASE, SAVE THE MANA FOR THAT PHASE. You must ALWAYS remember that rule. ALWAYS. Only one card allows you to get past that and you should NEVER think about using it in a deck. Seriously. It sucks. THE ATTACK PHASE YOU CAN ATTACK ONLY DURING YOU TURN. When you bust out your little 1/1's and you you have them all attack, there are some rules that must be followed. FIRST. DECLARE YOUR ATTACKERS. TAPPED CREATURES CANNOT ATTACK. TAP YOUR CREATURES UNLESS THEY HAVE VIGILANCE. SECOND. WAIT FOR HER TO DECLARE BLOCKERS. TAPPED CREATURES CANNOT BLOCK. CREATURES DO NOT HAVE TO TAP TO BLOCK. PLAY ANY TAPPING INSTANTS YOU MIGHT HAVE NOW TO PREVENT BLOCKING. OR DAMAGE CARDS TO KILL BLOCKERS. THIRD. PLAY ANY INSTANTS YOU MIGHT HAVE TO PUMP UP YOUR CREATURES AFTER BLOCKERS ARE DECLARED. MAKE YOUR UNBLOCKED 1/1 A 4/4 WITH GIANT GROWTH. SHIT LIKE THAT. DAMAGE RESOLVES AT THE END OF COMBAT. THE END. END. OF. COMBAT. I will get to all the stuff like "first strike," "Double strike" and all that shit soon. That is important stuff in combat and can determine whether your jabroni goblin survives the encounter with a fucking Baneslaying Angel. SECOND MAIN PHASE IS EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FIRST. When you FINISH your turn, simply say "I'm done" or "pass turn." AFTER YOU SAY THESE WORDS, she is free to use any creature abilities she has or any abilities from cards at all. Instants can also be used by her during this time. Don't flip shit how she taps all her land and bolts you for 12 then untaps all her land and bursts you for eight. Don't. That is all you need to know about turns. INSTANTS CAN BE USED ANY TIME. CONTINUED IN PART 2.

I have a near full bar of Warn status, Strife. Eat it!

Oh. I know it was a joke. But yeah. I just wanted to let everyone know that.

Excel. You can press select on Monkey Island and it reverts to the old PC style.

DLC was on sale for a while. Both are really good story wise.

Goddamn I'm so tempted for Torchlight.

Awakening.

I can only draw triangles that come into shape. I drew a bitchin' knight once out of triangles with the lance and everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIP1okixlfE