Your optimism is warranted... this is how their E3 will go down: Dim the lights. Kevin Butler comes on stage. That's right. He's back. But he's got a Wii remote in his hands. He explains that, in that tire commercial, it was actually the real deal Kevin Butler, he promises to explain what's going on in a minute... but first: brass tax. BAM! A trailer for Final Fantasy VII Vita is playing. Release date? This November. DOUBLE BAM! Monter Hunter 4 trailer is playing. That's right. It's coming to Vita. So people can shut up about this now. TRIPLE BAM! Fucking Bioshock Vita trailer plays. The game looks amazing. Kevin Butler comes back on stage. He asks... what are we going to play these awesome Vita games on? Oh... you know... THE VITA-2000. That's right. It's thinner, the screen is somehow BETTER, it has a HDMI-out so you can play your Vita games on TV... cause why wouldn't you? They look amazing. It's got analog buttons that click in, AND L2 and R2 buttons. Best part is? 500gb internal storage. HOW?! Witchcraft. Stage goes dark. 8 bit music starts playing.... do do dododododo doooo... people start thinking this music is familiar. Sound effects start playing overtop of the music. Pikapika... 1UP.... and then it all clicks. You're listening to the Legend of Zelda themesong. Yeah, that's Nintendo sound effects. Bam, Shigeru Miyamoto takes the stage. He announces... Sony has bought Nintendo. Crowd goes silent. BAM trailer for Super Mario HD, PS4 exclusive. Release date? PS4 launch. BAM! Trailer for Legend of Zelda HD, PS4 exclusive. Release date? Next year. Shigeru announces, to ease the wait for new Zelda, they're going to release The Legend of Zelda HD collection... Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Wind Waker, Twilight Princess, Skyward Sword, all on one blu-ray. Guess what? No motion controls. Coming out this August as a Vita/PS3 crossbuy game. People are losing their fucking shit. Shigeru Miyamoto goes to walk off stage... stops, turns back... "Oh yeah, one more thing......." BAM trailer for Super Smash Bros vs the PlayStation Allstars starts playing. Yeah, that's right. Nathan Drake is shooting Yoshi in the face. Kratos is getting jumped on by Mario. Cole and Pikachu? They're both zapping each other with electricity. Stage goes dark. Kevin Butler comes back out. Starts dishing out factoids on the PS4. Yeah, it's going to cost 349. Yeah it's coming out November 1st. Oh guess what? No DRM. All PS3 games you own? Backwards compatible day 1 via streaming. He walks off stage. Gabe Newell goes onstage. What?! People are confused. He starts talking about the Steam Box. Mentions it's coming out November 1st... for 349...... yeah that's right, Sony also bought Valve. The PS4 = the Steam Box. The Steam Box = the PS4. All your Steam games? Playable on PS4. Half Life 3... Portal 3... yeah they're coming out. Only on the PlaySteambox 4, next year. Finally, some Activision folks come on stage. Start talking about CoD: Ghosts. Yeah, the PS3/4 version has some exclusive content... while the Xbone has dogs... the PS version... has dogs AND cats. DOGS AND CATS SIZZLE REEL PLAYS. Game play is shown of soldiers running into battle... with fucking tigers and lions beside them. Curtain falls, lights goes on, conference over. BOOK IT.